#I think I’d just have to end it all. it’d be over. there’s no recovering.

[vetuhoh]

I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on Cam saying we haven’t been to the moon. But we’ve been to A moon.

Literally what the fuck does that mean. What does that mean!!! Does he think we have multiple moons? How many? How does he think the tides work? Does he think we travelled to a different planet’s moon? And if so, why couldn’t we have travelled to ours? What were his thoughts on the moon water stuff? Explain!!! EXPAND!!!!

[zer0pm]

Imagine Luis using the communicator to call you. Constantly.

“Luis? What’s your status?”

“No bueno, my friend. I’m in a lot of pain.”

Your head immediately snaps up at attention to these words. Leon, who answered the call as the device was on his person, shares your look of alarm and nods in understanding to prepare to come to the Spaniard’s aid.

“Where are you?” Leon inquires, maneuvering the communicator between you two so that you can listen in as well. “How serious are your injuries?”

The man on the other line groans, “I’d say pretty serious. Severe, even.”

Filled with worry, you were about to join the line of questioning until his voice cuts you off before you could utter a sound.

“After all… how does one recover from a lonely heart?”

Leon squints, “…What?”

“I am separated from my light- mi luz! Forced to wander these terrifying, dark corridors alone without any source of warmth and comfort!” In the tiny screen, you can see the man waving his arms around with an exaggerated pout on his face. He looked like he was rehearsing a scene of a play or something. Luis notices your face on his end and smiles widely before releasing an over-the-top gasp and calling you by name. “¿Dónde estás, mi luz? I am suffering without you.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose, doing your best to choke down the laugh that was threatening to erupt from your chest. Before reuniting with Leon S. Kennedy, your partner in the mission to retrieve Ashley Graham, you were running around the village with Luis Serra, a man you happened to come across while fighting hordes of infected villagers. Initially, you were suspicious of him, but he proved himself to be a man of good character, chivalrously watching your back and using his intimate knowledge of the area and the terrors that creep within to navigate you both through multiple dangerous encounters.

You and he became close quickly, forging a strong bond during your time together, made easy with the man’s charisma and light-hearted nature. Even in the constant face of danger, Luis would twist the dark ambiance to his playful tune, often making you the muse of his antics if not for the sole purpose to tease a smile upon your face. So what he was doing now was not at all surprising, but the confused and incredulous look upon Leon’s face was priceless.

Just as you were going to point out that it hasn’t at all been that long since you two have separated ways so that you can help Leon relocate Ashley, the blond agent beside you drops the call with a push of a button. He then throws an inquisitive glare your way.

“What?” you ask.

“Do I dare even ask what the hell that was?” Leon shoots back.

You ponder his question for a moment before answering, “Honestly, it’d save you the headache if you didn’t.”

With that, Leon drops the conversation with a sigh before taking the lead to move on. Little did you both know, it wouldn’t be the last time Luis would call.

The second time he calls, he asks how you and Leon were progressing. And just like the first time, Leon answers, reporting that you were busy cracking at a difficult door puzzle while he kept watch.

“Whoever designed this castle was a real asshole,” the agent comments.

“Agreed,” you sigh. “And whoever took the time to reset these puzzles is an even bigger asshole.”

Luis’ voice chimes in through the static. “Perhaps I can be of some assistance? I am a brilliant man, afterall. Let me have a look, por favor.”

Thinking nothing of it, Leon walks over and faces the screen of the comm to you and the door so that Luis can see what you are working on from behind before you reset the puzzle. You then explain how you got stuck and your theories on what the possible solutions could be. While doing so, Luis hums after each pause, his face showing that of absolute concentration. After you finished and a moment of considerable silence passes, you engage him.

“Well?” you ask. “Any thoughts?”

Luis lifts his hand from his stubbled chin, “Just one.” He points at you, his voice lowers to a husky growl.

“You look particularly ravishing from this angle.”

You were grateful that Leon hung up before Luis can see the blush burning hot on your cheeks. After some time, you managed to solve the puzzle and proceed with the mission although Leon was none too happy with the Spanish man for wasting both of your times.

The third time the communication device goes off, you offer to take it from Leon.

“It’s probably him again. Why don’t I handle this one?”

“No,” he denies, shaking his head. “I still don’t trust him and you don’t need the distraction.”

Instead of being offended at your partner practically casting your professionalism into doubt, you reason with him. “C’mon, Leon. It could be serious this time.”

“Highly doubt it.”

However, more time passes and the device is still beeping. The sound echoes off the walls in taunting pings to the gnawing point where it was practically imprinted into your brains. When Leon couldn’t handle it anymore, he sighs in defeat and pushes the button. Again, he doesn’t hand it to you and greets the dark-haired man himself with an irritated frown.

“This better be good.”

“Depends on your definition of “good”, mi compadre.” Luis too wore a grimace, his voice void of his usual humor. “I’ve relocated one of my hidden caches and uncovered the suppressants you will both need to slow the growth of the plaga within your bodies.”

“Well, damn. That sounds like great news to me.” A wave of relief washes over Leon’s face, probably because Luis finally shared something worthwhile. “So what’s the catch, then?”

“Catch is- there are two different kinds of doses. One dose is a simple needle injection. That will be for you, Leon. Pero, the other…” he trails off, eyes casted with a faraway look while the adam’s apple in his throat bobs. Whatever was on his mind seems difficult to swallow let alone speak aloud.

Curiosity evident in Leon’s expression, he prods him further. “What is it, Luis? Is the other dose dangerous to administer?”

“It can be. The application process has a high probability of being rather intensive. For both the receiver and the administrator.”

You join in, “What do you mean?”

It was only until the words left your mouth did you realize what you just waltzed into.

Upon hearing your words, Luis’ expression changes like day and night, the somber frown flipping into a mischievous smirk. “It is nothing you can’t handle, mi amor. I’m certain. Only that it requires you and I to exchange bodily fluids in-“

Never before have you seen Leon hang up so fast, his hand covering his beet red face. You couldn’t tell if it was out of embarrassment, disgust, or fury for falling for the Spaniard’s antics once again and concluded that it was all at once.

“Let’s�� ugh… Let’s just keep going.”

You didn’t put up a fight at the order, fighting off your own set of emotions that stirred from Luis’ shameless teasing. However, not even five steps were taken and the walkie talkie beeps. Leon was livid.

“For fuck’s sake, what now?!”

“Catch you at a bad time, Leon?” A deadpan feminine voice comes through the comms and you swear Leon turned several shades paler.

Leon’s “informant” tipped you off on Ashley’s last sighting and you two wasted no time moving to catch up to her. After fighting another wave of plaga, tensions were running high. So when you two were rushing to navigate around the courtyard, the communicator goes off once more and that became the last straw for Leon. Already fuming, he waited to see the Spaniard’s face on the device before verbally popping off.

“Luis, I swear to god. If the reason you’re calling is to talk about how miserable and lonely you are or make some dumb comment on a certain someone’s assets, I am going to literally throw this walkie talkie off the ramparts,” Leon snarled, his frustration unrestrained. “So I dare you, Luis, I fucking dare you to speak. And it better be god damn important!”

For a moment there was only white noise, then a familiar thick accent finally comes through.

“… I was going to say that I can see you two across the courtyard,” the man reports candidly, “and there’s a swarm of monsters coming in at your three o’clock.”

Sure enough, a horde of giant mutated insects were zooming towards you and Leon. Amidst the countless gunshots and death cries of your enemies, you can hear your fellow agent beside you cursing colorfully to the high heavens as well as the sound of hysterical laughter further in the distance.

When it was all over, the communicator was beeping again. Leon didn’t even bother answering. Instead, he tosses the device over to you without so much as a word or making eye contact. The brief exchange almost made you laugh as you press the button and are greeted by a familiar handsome face whose grey eyes lit up instantly at the sight of you.

“I think you broke the poor man,” you say with an amused, pointed look.

The expression you see in the tiny screen was that of feigned innocent confusion. “¿Perdon? Whatever do you mean? I thought I did my due diligence in warning you two of imminent danger.”

Your ears pick up an irritated groan followed by harsh stomps moving away from your position. You can practically imagine smoke coming out of the blond’s ears as he created distance, muttering an excuse that he is going to check the perimeter. If not for your respect for the man, you would have rolled over laughing.

Shaking your head, you return your attention back to cause of your partner’s grief. “Alright. Now that’s it just the two of us. What did you really want to say to me, Luis?”

“Nada,” the Spanish man shrugs, throwing you his signature charming grin. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”

[phantasmiac]

best friends brother!touya who has had his eye on you longer than you realize

cw/tw: reader is in college, reader is 18 and touya is 19, one mention of touya smoking, fluffy fluffy fluffy

wc: 2.3k

a/n: this is part two of my bfb!touya au. part one can be found here.

if there was one thing that had always prevented your crush on touya from being a total cliche, it was the fact that you had a good relationship. you were never reduced to being just his baby sister's equally babyish friend, there to ignore or treat like a nuisance. whether he really knew it or not, touya was your friend, too; and you were his.

it’d be inaccurate, however, to describe your current predicament as a “friends” quarrel. it might even be inaccurate to call something so one-sided a quarrel at all. all you know for sure is that touya’s been giving you the silent treatment for far too long, and you’re going to do something about it.

after weeks of avoiding you and his own house, he’s forced to reappear for shouto’s birthday (although you think rei repeatedly asking him if fuyumi is now her oldest child during their daily phone calls should also be credited). it’s meant to be a small celebration between the family that they all insist you’re a part of. shouto has plans to spend the rest of the evening with his new school friends.

“you still friends with the little shit that looks like he bites, shou?” touya asks while rummaging through the kitchen drawer for candles, unbothered by rei’s soft swat on the back of his head and hissing of his name. it’s the second one he’s received from her since he’s arrived, the first having been provoked by a new tattoo taking up a large portion of the side of his neck (needless to say, it made you feel a bit delusional for thinking you were entirely to blame for his lack of visits).

despite his crappy description, shouto understands enough to mumble an “mhm”.

“what about the one with the freckles? he’s a good kid. i’d keep him around if i were you.”

“thank god we have such an upstanding citizen for a brother,” natsuo teases, large enough to ruffle his big brothers white head of hair while he’s still sat. “share some more of your wis— get off of me!”

touya’s interest has shifted to putting natsuo in a headlock, wrestling him to the ground in a competition he’s bound to lose, if their past scuffles have anything to say about it. the box falls from his hold, spilling dozens of multicolored candles all over the kitchen floor. the sounds of the sticks crunching and breaking under shoes puts a halt to their little match.

touya pulls away, unaware that you’re already crouched under the table trying to recover the salvageable candles yourself. it’s his hand landing on top of your smaller ones that alerts him, eyes shooting up to meet yours like a deer caught in headlights. the constrictions of the tight space causes you to nearly knock face first into one another. despite the proximity, you’re suddenly reminded that you’re not nearly as close as you were weeks ago, when your tongues were down each others throats.

it takes all your willpower not to squeal from embarrassment as you squirm your way out from underneath the table, body running dangerously hot. it’s ironic, you think, that you’re the first to back away after begging for a chance to be near him again all this time; but more so the fact that touya is the one left with a sad, longing expression on his face when he stands.

light snow is falling by the time shouto’s celebration comes to an end, accompanied by bitter cold weather. kind of depressing, but touya figures that’s just how his oddball little brother would like it. it’s only four thirty in the afternoon, but the lamps lined along the pathway in front of the todoroki household are already on. his black down jacket is zipped all the way to his nose, hood struggling against the unruliness of his hair. the crunching of the snow underneath his boots brings him a nice calm — ruined by the sound of your warm voice.

normally, your shouts of his name were more than welcome. but given the circumstances, he can’t help but feel a sense of impending doom. he turns on his heel to see you running down the yard without a care in the world, and fights the urge to yell at you to be careful (though the thought of you slipping and landing on your butt is kind of endearing too). by the time you reach him, you’re out of breath. it comes as no surprise to the creep who’d spectated you in the past during your high school sports festivals.

“touya,” you pant, hand on his shoulder. “walk me home, will you?”

you’re cruel. it’s a request he can’t say no to; you might as well have put a gun to his head. there’s a sadistic, pleased little grin on your face as you start waddling alongside him. touya figures it shouldn’t be too difficult taking you home without sparing a word; you only live about ten minutes away. what’s ten more minutes after weeks of keeping this up?

he fails to take into account that having you this close strips him of all immunity to your charm, especially when you look this adorable. you look well prepared for an expedition to the antarctic, in your oversized puffer jacket, winter mittens, gloves and scarf. all the bundles practically swallow you whole, only leaving your cute little face exposed.

there’s students roaming the streets, probably heading home from their after school clubs. you’re people watching; touya knows you’ve always had a knack for that. he quickly averts the side gaze he’s had on you when he notices your head turning up towards him.

“did you ever realize how popular you were in high school?” there’s a hint of nostalgia in your voice.

you receive a shrug in response. “not really.”

“everyone in my year was in love with you,” you chuckle into your scarf.

touya’s eyebrow quirks up. everyone? even you? he wills himself not to say. your new boyfriend probably wouldn’t like that.

but your power over him must have upgraded to telepathy, because you proceed to answer his question. “even i was a victim to the touya disease, you know.”

“oh yeah?” even if he can’t steady his heart rate, he’ll maintain his cool.

“oh yeah. i think everyone would agree it was hard crushing on someone who didn’t even know they existed.”

touya digs his face deeper into his jacket, hands curled tighter in his pockets.

“right.”

touya’s ears pick up on your voice before he actually sees you for the first time. just standing in the school library is enough to send shivers down his edgy spine, but he’s willing to make the sacrifice to wait around for his buddy, who’s been forced into tutoring sessions. he’s made himself busy scanning through the aisles for books that pique his interest, a safe distance from the tables where you and his friend had agreed to meet up.

“hey, that’s alright! even i struggled learning this at first. you’ll get the hang of it in no time. i believe in you.”

touya snorts. he can imagine his friend currently trying to dig his fingers into his eyeballs. but even funnier is the sweet voice you're using and your gentle words of encouragement. most people fearfully trip over their own feet and fumble their words at the mere sight of his group of friends: yet you’re treating the scariest looking one of the group like a grade schooler learning his times tables.

touya had promised to make himself invisible while waiting around; his friend was already humiliated by just the prospect of needing tutoring. but his curiosity always came out victorious, and he’s soon peeking from behind the shelves just to catch a tiny glimpse of you.

your pretty face matches your voice.

the next time touya catches a glimpse of you, your back is turned to him. he’s performing his regular routine of sneaking out of his p.e. class in order to head to the bathroom for a smoke. you’re walking down the halls with your headphones in, completely oblivious to the presence behind you, and through the silence he can faintly hear the instrumental of whatever it is you’re listening to. he knows it’s a shitty thing to make judgements about someone he’s never even had a conversation with, but he can’t help but think whatever’s playing in your headphones is far different from what he’d expect someone as soft as you to listen to. he’s able to make out the sounds of heavy drums and electric guitar riffs. it’s as if you lived to surprise him, he thinks, when you start whispering the lyrics to the song; one that’s been on nearly all of his playlists.

touya thinks the universe is trying to get him arrested when he finds himself coincidentally trailing behind you on the way home a week later. he also thinks you should have more concern for your safety, seeing as you could’ve had a full fledged stalker at this point and had no idea. five minutes into your journey home, he watches as you come to a stop under a lamp post, and reach into your backpack. maybe you’re finally taking out pepper spray, or a pocket knife, touya guesses (and secretly hopes). instead, you pull out a can of food, kneeling down and placing it in front of a nearby bush. there’s a rustling and the sound of a meow before a stray ball of fluff comes running out, circling and rubbing his head against you in familiarity before indulging in your offering. as he watches you coo and gently scratch around the cats ears, touya comes to a conclusion: he has a fat crush on you.

for the next year, touya’s attempts at doing anything about his crush on you don’t surpass staring at you from afar for no more than three seconds at a time; and that was just fine for him. leave it to his little siblings to screw it all up. granted, the last of his siblings he would have expected to act as the agent of chaos was fuyumi. the day he came home to find you sitting at his kitchen table and giggling with his little sister, touya knew he was well beyond fucked.

there’s a tug on the sleeve of your jacket that forces you to stop in your tracks. the snow that’s now been disguised by the complete darkness of the evening is reilluminated by the light radiating from the lamp post above you.

“i’ll cut the bullshit. i like you. a lot,” touya declares, blinking away the snowflakes that make his eyelashes look impossibly prettier. “hearing that you had a boyfriend fucking sucked, and i had this petty, stupid idea to bring some girl over. i don’t know what exactly i was trying to accomplish.”

you’d had a whole speech planned and written in your heart for the boy looking down at you; you figure you should also correct his faulty assumption, but his confession leaves you tongue tied.

“but then you had this sad look on your face the whole time and that’s all i could think about for the next day. kissing you was a dick move, i know but….” he sighs, looking up at the night sky as if it might throw him a bone. “but you kissed me back. and i don’t want to be like… your side bitch, or something.”

you’re able to read genuine hurt in touya’s eyes, but his claim and it’s wording throws you into a fit of giggles. even as you’re laughing at his misery, touya can’t help but have goo-goo eyes for you.

“i’m serious! i went back to my room with a sad boner, you know! and it’s honestly blasphemous for you of all people to two time your poor boyfriend. i thought you were supposed to be a saint!”

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry. it’s just— you’re so stupid,” you wheeze.

it’s difficult for touya to take the fact that you just called him stupid to heart as you unsuccessfully attempt to wipe your tears away with your mittens on; so he does it for you. you give a soft smile of gratitude in return, a glint in your eyes. you take off your gloves so that you’re able to pull down the zipper covering his face. and despite his declaration that he didn’t want to be your “side bitch”, touya doesn’t stop you when you get on your tippy toes and loop your arms around his torso to plant a soft kiss on his lips; nor does he complain when it lands on his cupids bow instead. the softness of it all only makes him blush even harder, an effect he hopes is you’ll blame on the cold weather.

you don’t.

your chin is propped on his chest as you look up at him with a goofy smile. “i’m not dating that guy. i was peer pressured by fuyumi into going on one date, but nothing came out of it. you’d know that if you hadn’t stormed out of the room like a big baby. i kissed you back because i have feelings for you, dummy.”

with wide eyes, touya lets out a breathy laugh, before pulling his hands out of his pockets to grab your face and crash his lips into yours, hard and needy. you’re lips are locked for what feels like far too little a time before he pulls away.

“if i were you i probably wouldn’t want to date such an idiot after all this but…. will you? date me?”

“i’d love nothing more than to date this idiot.”

touya’s going to have to tell you later how you got together in the same spot he fell for you; but his first order of business is to take you back to his place and make up for lost time.

★ tag list: @ushygushybaby @stvrrlight @gbbibbi @julietdelamare @dabisearpiercings @gracefulbumblebee @sky-casino @twerkformammon @mika-writes-fanfics @iheartgeto @doulcha @aicakee @alondraapple19 @imeverycliche

[meli-writes]

Mechismo - No. 03 /// Speak

(First) / (Previous)

When the reappropriated battle-radio crackles to life— Pss-Tat-tat. It’s good.

“—ou copy? Answer! I know—” Psssat-at-at. It’s the oft-heard, impatient snap of takeout breadstick or asshole-bone. Psst-tat. One of those, at least. “—need help.

Okay?”

Boots slip to the deck in a restrained show of attentiveness; pulled through loose cablets — anxiously-chewed at the stray ends — that have hewn radio to emplaced console. That beg it remain connected, to the dropship’s comm-booster. Tsss-at-tat. Still within reach.

You want to hear this — need to, were waiting to.

But the pack — lance, she’ll be here soon to pipe-in indignant with — doesn’t need to see that, their breaths hitching as you click down on the transceiver, “Aww. Howdy pup, ya not doin’ so good right now?”

“Don’t call— Ugh. You were right!” she exclaims. “Not—” Psss— Tick!

Tsss-Tick-tick! The radio needs to be tuned to hers — its signal obfuscated before now, even with the leash hardwired between them, and the tracker buried in her bought-out frame.

It’s the hiss-click when internal-atmos sneers out through a cockpit-shield; where— Tsss-Tick! Where the sea presses on its laminate interlace which melds still, after hours sunken, the internal-external halves of its shattered, protective screen into purposed form.

Whereon the seabed her mech rests to be recovered, and indebted for the courtesy.

Tick-tsss-tick. Or the kettle that rattles to a whinesome, third climax — another pack-hound ordered to bring her tea, without notice to the possibility it’s because it never tastes how she made it. Tsss-tick-Tick-Tick!

One of those,

at least.

It takes some more dials to find her. Tick-tick—Tack! Then it locks in, and she’s yours.

“—were knocked out. So it’s just me — that’s left,” she pleads between the hiss that remains: the unmistakable whine of pilot exhaustion and shrapnel-bled coolant dripping onto wet, fizzing circuits. “Okay.”

Somewhere below, a treat rattles from tread-to-tread; out of the recesses of bounced-up combat boots, through metal slats into the underdeck — for the rats, not dogs, to feast on this time. Though one still mounts a boot-tip, bobs up into your spare hand, and “Oh. How I’d just adore making it all right for ya pup,” you drawl, wait out the seconds, to lap up each transceived pant of desperation. “But— y’know, ya gotta make it right first.”

Speakers shudder in electric anticipation as the meagre band of frequencies a battle-radio is allowed to occupy choke on two shots in sudden succession. Thhunkh. Thunkhh. Your radar flickers into range, to see the targeted blips but a moment before they flicker out.

There’s so many more than those ones, than hers — bright speckles of seawater mould on the dull, hooded monitor.

“Yeah. Sure,” she spills, spent shells in the oil-suckered muck, doesn’t have the time to mute, “can take it from my friends’ corpses when this contract’s done — like I didn’t pay enough gettin’ outta yours.”

You think it’s a shame, how she values them — valued them — over her own family, slipping her leash to leave the pack behind. “Handler,” she begs — her words huddled between the rhythmic shunts of her main-arm reloading.

You feel the way it tears itself apart each time it fires — how it trades off: so much power, but it must hurt itself too. How she didn’t know how to repair it — before you, “No.”

“Wha—”

“No more debts,” you append, in correction of her. It’d look the same on the company files but, “Ya always looked sad when ya owed me.”

“So how the fuck am I supposed to—” Her shriek suffers another’s interjection; the hull-creasing bellow of another blow taken, less glanced than the last, less her fainting gesture at leverage. “Fine! You wanna fuck me, right? ‘Cos I never gave you the chance.”

Mould pours into a brittle crescent around her, cut apart at the gridlines and nowhere else.

She must’ve backed into her prize: a vessel downed in distant memory, too much promise of precious relics to be uncontested, now the winds have shaken it from its grave. At last its rusted silvered shell bounces an invisible laser back into the rangefinder. You count down each point: two-point-six clicks, two-point-five, point-four, point-three.

She doesn’t need to know that — would know it herself, 

“Ya ain’t gotta make it right to me,” you explain, punctuate it with the loose, separation-anxious howl of the smallest of the pack’s three. It nuzzles past the mounted one, and whimpers as you tamp fingers down on radio and tongue, to tell her.

“It’s to your sisters.”

All your hounds whine now, except her. But that’s still good. The pilot-suits will recirculate the lost fluid — most of it. The rest will help it slip off, after she’s back, and even before that it’s little between them and the ridged, rubber toe-caps each vies to press themselves into.

“Are you not over this,” she cries, even though it’ll soak the soft trim of her head-mounted display. “I left months ago and I’m dying now.”

You retreat a wet index-finger from an eager, pulsing throat — rub the mess on its cheek, let out a soft snap. “I’m not, pup,” you turn on her, and two sub-point clicks fly past before you’re able to continue, “and you're already whining so perfectly for me.”

Each hound has stirred now, rushing to collar themselves in their owned, metal skin.

Your words echo into their cockpits, “Bark for your owner.”

It’s not even for them but— Awooo! And it must count sixty-four seconds or less, till they’re hot and grounded, “and I’ll be right over.”

If they want their reward, “I can’t believe I’m—” If there’s still one to collect.

You look at that speckled crescent, know from how it falls on her what each wretched speckle is — model, armament, pilot-temperament — and can count the seconds you’ll need to break it. Can count the second you have to break it, and are losing as drop-sirens howl and steel starts to pounce upon the earth.

“Daisy,” you bark — worried she’s silent.

But then, the radio crackles. You hear the hitch in her throat — as the dropship shadows the broken field, before her pack lights the darkness, and realise, in relief, that she is waiting — waiting to, “Speak!”

“Arf!”

“Good girl.”

---

(Masterpost) / (Next)

written for Making-up-Mech-Pilots' prompt:

Mech Pilot who is very upset that they don't get to pick their own callsign.

technically started writing this before i made a tumblr account but i believe this will be appreciated here. it started off more playful and invariably i have made it sad but also smutty. lmk if you like it <3

[backtothe99]

(18Trip Translation) Tao Kinouchi Novel: Back to the 99 - Track 5

all novels have spoilers for information about the characters revealed in the main story, proceed with caution!

Souta Gozu

“Tao, what’s up? Are you okay?”

The trio of high schoolers that had passed by had already disappeared into the crowd.

I hadn’t realized that I was clenching my fists tightly and my nails were digging into my skin.

The person standing next to me was neither Goz nor Taiki. It was Chihiro.

Chihiro Natsuyaki.

My new… probably best friend? In this era I’d been thrown into.

“... Hey, Chihiro.”

I thought that maybe it’s time to bring into the light the things I’ve been avoiding and trying not to think about.

So, I spoke up.

“There’s a place I want you to come with me to.”

“... There it is.”

I had Chihiro follow me to a large library. 

Here, you can view information about almost every past incident.

It’s been three years since I got into this era. At first, I was just doing my best to survive and didn’t have time to process what had happened to me.

In the depths of my heart, I was filled with resentment, bitterness, and anger towards my parents to the point that I was cursing their existence, but I was also tormented by a violent emptiness.

But after three years here, those exhausting feelings have all worn away.

I was put in prison, and somehow ended up becoming an idol. 

It was only after I had a roof over my head and a stable income that I had finally stopped to think that I needed to know what happened in the era I used to belong to.

If I were to be honest, I was always curious.

But I didn’t have the courage to face it.

No matter what I do, it’s all in the past from the perspective of this era.

No matter how much I regret it, I can’t do anything about it.

What if, after I never returned home, my little brother Taiki suffered through a difficult life and died?

And what about Goz?

What if, because I never apologized, Goz was left with regrets…?

How would I recover from that?

But I felt that putting it off any longer would be wrong.

I thought it’d be a good opportunity to face my past now that I have some sudden free time.

With Chihiro’s help, I searched through the library’s old data.

I started by narrowing down my search to 1999.

And what I found was an article about an incident involving the church my parents belonged to.

— “Executives of religious organization “Lumière de Cosmos” arrested under suspicions of murdering their own child”.

I gasped at the headline of one of the newspapers, and Chihiro who was sitting next to me, looked at me anxiously.

“Tao, you okay…? Can you read it? Do you want me to read it for you?”

“... No, I’m alright. I can read it myself.”

I swallowed my nerves and continued reading.

The child mentioned here is me, I think.

And the executives… Is that was my parents were?

As I dug through the newspapers of the time, I found more and more details of the incident.

… The two cult executives are being accused of killing their eldest son (high school student, 17), in a park near their home, and then abandoning the body.

The body is still being accounted for, but the circumstantial evidence is enough to bring charges to the pair—

…  The first person to accuse the pair was their youngest son (12). According to his testimony…

“Taiki… You were the one who accused them?”

I ended up whispering to myself.

Just how much courage did that take out of my brother, who was so young at the time?

This incident eventually led to police raids uncovering various fraudulent activities, and the cult was dismantled.

That happened in 2000.

The organization that had tormented me and Taiki for over a dozen years had collapsed and become a thing of the past in just a year.

But what kickstarted everything was Taiki’s accusation.

… He said he would expose everything the cult had done, and he did it.

If Taiki was here, I would say that to him.

I’m not sure if it would be okay to praise him, or be genuinely happy for him.

I imagine Taiki had to make huge sacrifices in order to speak up. At the very least, he had to have completely cut off ties with our parents.

I seriously regret not being able to be by his side at a time like that.

“... Tao, you okay?”

Chihiro asked softly.

I silently nodded my head and, with new-found determination, looked up my little brother’s name.

My heart was beating so hard I thought it would burst out of my chest.

The seconds it took for the search results to show up felt like an hour, two hours, even.

But the search… resulted in nothing.

Obviously, at the time of my murder and the cult’s dismantlement, Taiki was a minor, so his name was never made public. Therefore, none of the articles came up I had just read, and no articles past that time came up, either.

That meant… I didn’t even know if he was still alive or not.

“Obituaries… don’t always show up, do they?”

“... I’ve heard that if the person themself or their family has approved for their data to be viewed, it’d at least show whether they’ve passed away or not.”

Chihiro explained with a rather unsure look on his face. 

Then, he leaned a little forward and looked into my eyes.

“He’s alive… I’m sure! Let’s try finding him in some other way. I’ll help, too!”

And then, Chihiro continued:

“If you become a famous idol, your little brother will surely find out! Let’s become famous to the point we appear on national TV every day! I will definitely, absolutely, bring you in front of the cameras, Tao!”

“S-Sure… You kinda sound like a pitcher promising to take me to the Nationals...”

I felt a little comforted by Chihiro’s positive attitude that reminded me of a manga I read long ago.

… Right.

There’s no point in worrying about things I can’t figure out. For now, I know that Taiki accused my parents and that the cult has disappeared.

I’ll try to figure out what happened in Taiki’s life after that.

That’s what I’ve decided in the depths of my heart.

If I become a famous idol, maybe Taiki will find me. I decided to wager on that possibility.

“... Is there anything else you wanna look into?”

Chihiro, who had raised his voice earlier, asked me softly. He looks at me with concern in his eyes.

His kindness is a different kind from Goz’s, I think.

“... Anything else…”

There is one more thing.

I mustered up the courage to place my fingers on the keyboard and type the name in.

The search came back with one result.

— “Souta Gozu: Confirmed dead…”

I closed the computer before I could read the entire headline.

For a moment, all was silent.

Then, I felt like I was punched in the gut.

— Souta Gozu: Confirmed dead

I shivered, I couldn’t feel my fingers.

“... Tao.”

Chihiro’s voice sounded concerned.

I felt as though if I looked at him, I would start crying.

“Oh, yeah. I promised I’d help out at Natsume-san’s shop for a while today.”

As if he could understand how I felt, Chihiro didn’t say anything.

“Sorry, Chihiro, can we go out for lunch next time?”

“Yups, got it. Don’t worry about it~ I’ll go eat at a DZ spot~.” Chihiro said cheerfully, and I took advantage of his reply.

I’m sorry, Chihiro. But I just can’t think of anything else.

The only thing in my head were the words “Souta Gozu. Confirmed dead.”, replaying over and over.

By the time I got out of the library, night had fallen.

… There’s no way it’d just be someone else with the same first and last name. It’s such a rare name.

I thought as I absent-mindedly polished a glass at Ten Nights’ Dreams.

— Goz is dead, isn’t he?

When did he die? How did he die? What kind of life did he live? What was Goz thinking as he was left waiting at our meeting place on the day I disappeared?

I had no way of knowing now.

My hands stopped moving. 

No, I have to do my job properly. I thought and quickly picked up the glass again and right then, Natsume-san, the owner, said, “You can leave now.”

“The bartender will be here soon. … Nice, it’s well polished. It’s as beautiful as your heart, Tao.”

“Ahaha… No, I’m just some guy.”

Natsume-san is a generous person, even if I don’t help much, he gives me a part-timer’s pay.

I thought that was bad at first, but I don’t really have a job other than being a Ward Mayor, so I was seriously grateful for this opportunity.

When I changed out of the waiter uniform and stepped outside, I felt a chilly wind.

At night, in this city where neon nights are twinkling, people’s laughter can be heard like distant ripples.

— Goz… If you were still alive…

I wonder if we’d be drinking together?

The thought passed by my mind, even though there’s no point in wondering.

I still can’t process anything.

Not Goz’s death, or my parents’ fate, or anything Taiki did.

I’m glad that I got to find out what happened back then, and that I was able to face it. But at the same time, I don’t know what I should do from now on.

In any case, I have to live in the present of this era.

… I understand that, but the shock of Goz’s death is a feeling I have yet to digest.

“Tao-kun!”

Someone called out to me and I turned around. 

It was the bartender, Yunyun-san, running toward me from the bar’s entrance.

“Um, did I forget something?” I asked.

“No, there was something I kept thinking to ask you, and then I saw you here,” Yunyun-san replied laughing, and then stopped in front of me.

He pretty much glared at me, and then whispered:

“Tao-kun, is there a place you want to go back to?”

All I could mutter in response to that question was, “What…”

What do you mean? Go back to, where, exactly? … When exactly?

When I looked up at him, Yunyun-san was smiling brightly.

“Just what I expected from a 20-year-old! Such an honest reaction! That’s exactly what I wanted to see. See ya later, good work today~”

Was that a joke? Or some kind of prank or experiment? I had no idea what Yunyun-san had tried to do.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and next thing I knew, I was standing alone on the street.

As I started feeling better, I thought I’d apologize to Chihiro when I returned to the dorm.

I don’t want to have to repeat what happened with Goz.

I’ll tell Chihiro, “I’m sorry we couldn’t eat together. Let’s go tomorrow.”

— I have to live life in this era to the fullest, was the thought that came to me.

If I could go back in time, to that last night of June 1999…

I would shake off my parents’ hands and grab Taiki’s. We would run out of the house and go to the park, where Goz would be waiting. And then the three of us would jump.

We would run, and run, and run from the Great King of Terror’s prophecy… And then, I would return to my ordinary daily life.

To those days… with Goz, Kinari and Taiki.

There was no point in thinking about it.

But I still couldn’t shake off this impossible dream of mine.

— I’ll search for Taiki.

I swore to myself.

I’ll search for him. To give back for everything I couldn’t do for him.

To connect the days I spent in the past with the days I’m spending here.

What can I do in order to achieve that?

I slipped through the crowd of the downtown area and found myself in the residential area where the stars are still visible.

There’s no one on board behind me urging me to pedal harder anymore, but still…

Look ahead and keep going, Tao.

I felt like I could hear a voice telling me that from somewhere.

I continued taking one heavy step at a time.

NOTES: (1) Lumière de Cosmos: originally 宇宙(ソラ)ノ光, French-fied to look as culty as possible (2) DZ spot: Basically a photo op spot / spot to take pictures, irl it's called an instagrammable/IG spot, but it's been changed to DZ spot to fit 18trip's dazzle

Novel directory: Tuesday, June 29, 1999 / 1 | Tuesday, June 29, 1999 / 2 | Tuesday, June 29, 1999 / 3 | Wednesday, June 30, 1999 | Souta Gozu

[chaosk1ng]

Isaac in the Clone Wars for Real This Time

Depending on where in the timeline he’s placed, how he is perceived would be different. If he’s in the prequel era I don’t doubt the Jedi would be wary of him, I’ve said before that Isaac could be a void in the force since the midichlorians don’t exist in his world so he’d be a mystery to them. Maybe they try to help him get back but the original idea when I was doing the first rant was him being mistaken for a Jedi. Not all clones know much about Jedi history, all they were made for was fighting in the war so they won’t always know what really qualifies as Jedi.

The original idea was about Isaac getting found, maybe his ship crashed or ended up on a random planet, maybe he somehow ended up in uncharted territory and somehow ends up in a galaxy far far away but he somehow ends up there. If he’s on a planet then maybe he hears the sounds of blasters firing as droids and clones fight. Man would have no clue what���s going on but let’s say these clones went missing or left for dead since they’re not seen as people by some. So Isaac just sees a group that may or may not be outnumbered and decides to help out and surprises the Clones with his sudden appearance and weapons but they don’t complain. The Clones are surprised even more when he uses Stasis and Kinetic on the droids.

They could’ve been stuck there for a while or just recently, if it’s recent then they’d probably think he was sent to help them and is a Jedi. Isaac just wanted to help out and find a way home, so imagine his surprise when these people start calling him General when he helps out. He has no time to really address this since they're in the middle of a firefight but makes a note to address it later (note: he never does). So after the fight is over there’s a bunch of things that Isaac needs to know so when he asks about what happened and where they were that’s when the confusion starts. The Clones are gonna tell him what he wants seeing as he’s totally a Jedi and since he helped them but they thought he was sent to help. Regardless of how things go down they need to leave the planet and recover and since the clones were abandoned they have no ship so they steal Isaac’s. If Isaac crashes then they steal one from the droids but either way they manage to leave. Isaac has no clue where they're going or what hyperlanes are so he can’t even access hyperspace so they probably hitch a ride from either another Republic ship, steal one or just wait it out with Isaac and help along the way to Coruscant.

If they hitch a ride then this could be used as a way for them to meet the main cast with them ending up with Anakin because that man would cause so much chaos if he gets his hands on Isaac’s tech.

If he steals then maybe they get a target on their back but I mostly see him just using his ship. Like I said, they’d probably help the war as they move, with the distance they’d be from Coruscant from the fight then it’d take a while until they get there so there’s bound to be people they can help. Maybe they run into actual Jedi like Plo Koon, I’d love to see the two interact and their clones loving their Generals. Maybe Plo Koon of the Wolf Pack brings up Obi Wan, Anakin and Ahsoka. Maybe they help people against the Separatists droid army. Overall this would lead to them making a name for themselves on their way to possibly meet the Council. If they ran into Plo Koon or one of the other Jedi then they would’ve told him about the Council and to meet with them to look for a way back.

Anyway the group does a bunch of shenanigans as they get to Coruscant where a bunch of people are confused. People are just hearing about this squad of clones that are following this armored person and going around solving issues no one else was looking at or was struggling to handle. They just sorta swoop in, help out, leave and no one knows what to make of them as they get closer. Some people like them since they’re helping with all sorts of things, others hate them since they don’t seem to listen to the Council or Senate even though they don’t have a line of communication with them because of different tech. Some are just curious about who they are and what they’re going to do next but overall there are mixed opinions of them.

So when they make it to Coruscant people already know of them and the Jedi are kinda expecting them. This makes things easier for Isaac since he only somewhat knows what’s going on and the Clones have limited knowledge since they were made to fight. When the man meets the Council everyone is confused by this void of a man that just walked to them. Anyway they probably have an agreement: help us win then we’ll get you home. They let him keep the Clones, maybe add more and get him a better ship which is certainly an adjustment, maybe he just messes around with the ship to make it more akin to what he’s used to. He could probably use this time to get more blasters for his boys and manage to make more ammo for his own weapons. Maybe they make him take a Jedi with him.

I just had an idea, he gets a Jedi but it’s someone who maybe doesn’t want to be in the order anymore, someone who’s doubting maybe a padawan. Man gets his own Jedi awww. I don’t doubt that some Mandalorians noticed him as he was on the move so maybe they also have an eye on him as he moves around and now he has a child from the Jedi. It’s funny to imagine the Jedi and Mandalorians like they’re in a custody battle for Isaac, he can’t use the force, maybe he stole a saber, wears armor, and fights he could totally be a Mandalorian but he uses Stasis and Kinetic to do something similar to the force and is already helping them. I can imagine a Mandalorian or two just tagging along to even out the fact he now has a Jedi. Man is accidentally gonna start another war cause no one can decide what he is. Man is gonna be an honorary member for both of them, he just needs the Sith now.

Anyway the man will eventually fumble around with his new role and just do what he was doing before. I can imagine his confusion when the Separatists are kinda pissed at him destroying their clone army and either ignoring them (you gotta ignore the haters) or collecting evidence of the armies attacking civilians (spite is a great motivation). Anyway, they can meet the main cast if they haven't already and help them every once in a while. I see Isaac doing his own thing and the Council letting him run loose in the galaxy and kinda unofficially helping in the war.  

For plot convince they somehow find a way to get him back, that or he just gets to stay, whichever you prefer though I like him just being stuck there.

Just got back to writing this to say that I’m now writing a story about this. I’m not 100% sure it’s gonna be a multi chapter but I’m working on the first chapter right now and imma make him either an accidental warlord or accidental potential candidate for Mand'alor cause the idea was beautiful (thank you so much @delta-entropy for dming me about the idea, you have a beautiful thought process and thank you for giving me motivation for writing this out).

[ofmermaidstories]

hello ms. mermaid 🥹✨your fics are all glorious but the way my heart ached when i read your most recent work !!

the way you capture the passage of time is so glorious - how some moments can last a lifetime when years can pass by in a moment and then the heart-wrenching hurtle towards the end 😭 how are you going to break my heart TWICE in one piece of writing

GOD i'm going to need a moment to lie down and recover (thank you thank you thank you 🥹✨💕 i'm sending your beautiful brain and incredible talent flowers)

hello mei. 🥺🌸 thank-you for coming by and saying so. 🥺🥺🥺 omg i hope you don’t mind, but i saw your tags and wanted to freak out over them—and you sending this was the perfect excuse LOL (i’m so sorry—i’m not really sure on the etiquette when wanting to reply to tags 😭😭 so i jumped LOL) but like!!!!! bakugou goes through/is going through so much in canon. he keeps getting dismantled and remade over and over 😭😭 and i like to think the same as you—like that as an adult he is more secure, that he lets himself trust in himself and other people and the world around him more. 😭😭😭 so it’s interesting to wonder what’d it’d take to crack that LMAO. he achieves so much as a kid, still… saves so many different people…. probably has a pretty decent track record of it as an adult…… i feel like failing to do that One Important Thing, and with someone he’s come to care for, would be a brutal blow. 🥺 and like… what do you do after that??? i’d never love again. 💀💀💀💀 he probably throws himself into work until he almost breaks on the job and has to get hauled off the field by like Deku and Kirishima. 💀💀💀💀💀💀 they probably have to instate a 24/7 kacchan watch on him 💀💀💀💀 and then he just refuses to give into the grief and tries to grit his teeth through it (which never ever works 😩).

[hannahssimblr]

Later, when darkness has settled and all of our drinks are emptied, I offer to fetch another few bottles from Shane’s room at his mobile home. His place is much closer to this end of the beach than mine or Joe’s, especially since I know a shortcut that takes me through a few medium-spiky bushes and over a broken fence. It’s just a ten minute walk, maybe eight if I’m quick. 

“I can come with you,” Clóda says, “I can help you carry the bottles and all if you want.” And I think that maybe the walk will take more than eight minutes if I take the long way instead. As we walk down the beach together the wind blows gently and pushes her hair all the way out of her face. A nice face. A face I’ve been a bit obsessed with ever since I first saw her serving tables at the boat club in June. I suddenly don’t really know what to say to her in the silence of this empty beach, where there’s just her and me and the flapping of the wind on our clothes and rubbish from the day strewn all over the white sand. 

“Is work busy and all?” I manage, and cringe because it’s a stupid thing to say. 

“Yeah, as busy as it gets now.”

“Where’d you get that job?”

“My dad owns the boat club,” She pauses and there’s a silence that goes on for several seconds, followed by a creeping awkwardness that becomes so intense that it feels static. Neither of us has any idea what to say. I should have come alone, and if I had I’d be halfway there by now, but it’s already too late to turn back and take the shortcut to put us out of our misery.

“Rachel fancies you,” she blurts out, and I look at her in time to see her turn red before turning her face away from me. 

My stomach twists, “Right, okay.”

“Do you fancy her? Because if you do then she wants to know if you’ll shift her.”

Is this why Clóda wanted to walk with me, to ask me this? The thought fills me with such disappointment that I’m of half a mind to turn around and go home for the night. I clear my throat, “Um, no I don't, sorry. She seems nice though.”

“She is nice. And she says that you’re fine.”

“Well, thanks,” I glance at her, “You don’t think I’m fine, no?”

A little smile creeps up, “Why?”

“Just wondering.”

“Do you think I’m fine?”

“Yeah I do actually,” I say. “I think you’re really fine.”

This shocks a laugh out of her, “Wow, you just went and said it.”

“Would you rather I was more awkward about it?”

“I dunno.”

“See I’m not very awkward like that.”

“Probably because you don’t have to be.”

I grin and bend to look into her face as we walk, but she’s too shy to meet my eyes. “What does that mean, I ‘don’t have to be’? What do you think of me?”

“I think you were fine before you cut your hair and pierced your ears like a girl,” she says. “And don’t go being all full of yourself, because you’ve a bit of a big nose.”

I laugh, “I can have all those things and you can still like me.”

She stops at the path that leads towards the holiday village, and she’s trembling a little, with excitement, maybe, fear, adrenaline. “I think it’d be bad if I liked you, because Rachel said she liked you first.”

“Why didn’t you let Rachel come and walk with me then?”

She smiles. “Because I didn’t really want her to be on her own with you. Do you think I’m a bad friend for that?”

"She'll recover, I think."

“When I saw you on the tennis courts that first day I thought you were cute.”

“Yeah?”

She nods, “And you’re good at tennis. You’re better than all your friends.”

My palms start to prickle, “and you liked that?”

“I think it’s cool when people are good at stuff.”

I like hearing about when I’m good at stuff, and I like that she’s telling me this now, so much so that my heart is beating faster than it should. I want to ask her about what else she likes about me, what else she thinks I’m good at, but then I think maybe it’d be better if I showed her instead.

I kiss her. 

She is not surprised. She puts her hands in the right place, behind my neck and she tilts her head forty five degrees to the right and she lets me kiss her, her top lip, her bottom lip, and I try to move her with me and create rhythm and melody with our mouths and our bodies but her head is as stiff as the rest of her, and after a minute or two she releases the breath she’s been holding the entire time onto my cheek in a shuddering torrent and I realise that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing.

“Clóda,” I murmur, and I draw back and stroke her cheeks with my thumbs, where her skin is glowing and tinted blue in the moonlight, but my attempts at intimacy suddenly seem too much in contention with her awkward rigidity that I let my hands fall away from her and rest on her hips instead.

“Yes?”

“You’re supposed to kiss back.”

“I was kissing back.”

She was standing still with her mouth open like a baby bird waiting to be fed, but I know it’d be an embarrassing thing to point out to her. 

“Are you nervous?”

“A bit.”

“Can I help?”

She looks down at our feet and pushes her hair behind her ears. “I’ve kissed heaps of boys,” she insists, as though she thinks I’m about to start accusing her of being frigid. “I’m not bad at it.”

“I didn’t say you were bad.”

“I’ve done other things too, by the way.”

“I’m sure you have.”

“I’ve actually done loads. Like, nearly everything.”

“Yeah I believe you. It’s not that, I just think you were- we’re both nervous, okay? Can we go again?”

“Okay.”

“And relax.”

“I am relaxing.”

I drift in closer, “Yes, okay,” my lips graze gently against hers as I speak, and she smells nice, familiar, like coconut suncream and that sweet body spray that all of the girls at school use after P.E class.

She’s tense still, but when I tell her gently to relax she tries to, and the kiss is more pleasant, though she’s giddy now, excited, perhaps about the thought of telling all of her friends about this, and the thought of that alone, just this fantasy that I’ve invented about what she’s going to say about me later puts me off her a bit. 

I draw away from her a bit, but she steps into me keenly, afraid that my kiss will be too fleeting, “you can touch my boob if you want.”

“I’m okay.”

“No, I mean, it’s fine, I’ll let you.”

“Maybe later?”

I’ve offended her now, “Yeah, um, alright then.”

“I hope that’s cool, I’m just kind of in a bit of a rush to get to Shane’s mobile home and all.”

“Yet I get it,” though her hair flip is indignant.

“Do you still want to come? You don’t have to, I don’t mind going on my own.”

She glances over her shoulder down the expanse of the dark beach and shakes her head, “Like, no, it’s fine, we can still go together. We’re probably close to it by now, so…”

“Yeah we are.”

“Okay then,” She folds defensive arms around herself and hikes up the incline towards the village with wind whipping her top around and her heels crushing the backs of her red ballet shoes. 

“I think you’re really pretty,” I say, a bit pathetically to the back of her head. 

“Thanks.”

“Um, and, well if I’ve upset you or something-”

“You’ve not, I’m fine.”

“Alright then,” and she walks two metres ahead of me all the way to the caravan park in stony silence. 

Prev // Next

[proxythe]

Another hc is I think Shinji loses a lot of weight during the 2 years just cuz he isn’t getting enough to eat and he’s getting sicker and then when he’s recovering he has to take a lot of time to be able to move again so he’s definitely not doing much strenuous activity and he regains weight slowly. I think what is able to really help him both gain weight and learn to be nicer to himself is he makes food that he himself would enjoy (its a long journey cuz he’s not used to being nice to himself and he’s very crabby about it lol) and I like to imagine him having a sweet tooth and liking cookies and cake a lot and he gets chubbier over time and Akihiko is like over the moon cuz Shinji is taking care of himself and it’s showing!

Then Mitsuru um because of fucked up angsty reasons shes had to prioritize her appearance a lot, a whole metaphor for keeping up a facade so she doesn’t reflect badly on the company, and she always is very controlling of what she eats and how it’d make her look. She also puts a lot of effort into her hair and makeup to keep up a perfect image of femininity. Then like during her social link she’s with Kotone just kinda exploring common shit for the first time and she develops a love of fast food and it frightens her cuz like. What’s happening to her she isn’t allowed to have this kinda indulgence and she certainly isn’t allowed to enjoy it either. But she’s supported and encouraged to let herself eat whatever she wants and she just explores a lot of options and eats what she likes even if it’s not some perfect shit that keeps her skinny I think Kotone and Yukari would collectively be like PLEEASSEEE DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING WE WILL MURDER THEM WE HAVE OUR WEAPONS DRAWN. So Mitsuru gets fatter and also stops wearing makeup too and it’s very scary cuz she’s always had it ingrained in her that this is the last thing she’s allowed to be but she also feels her body and looks at her natural face and she finally feels like her body is her own and she loves what she’s made

Obviously we gotta have Shinji and Mitsuru bond over their new food revelations it’s part of repairing some strain in their relationship I think Shinji can definitely be pretentious about food and would probably have negative opinions of fast food like he’ll eat it cuz sometimes you just can’t cook but hes snarky about it. But when he sees Mitsuru likes it she figures he’s got something snarky to say and he’s just like "uh actually knowing what you’ve gone through I’d be pissed if you didn’t eat fast food let’s go get some borgers". He does make some of his own shit occasionally though like burgers and fries for Mitsuru to have and it’s a nice gesture but it just doesn’t capture the ENERGY of wild duck burger 🙄. Shinji would melt anyone if they said that though alsjka. Mitsuru in return would get Shinji some fancy ingredients and any special sweets that are all expensive (even though I strongly believe the happiest ending for Mitsuru is one where she isn’t really a part of the Kirijo group family anymore let’s just say she still has a way to get yummy snack akjsks). They candy is always really strange and tastes like shit 8/10 times and Shinji will eat all of it anyway and he will not share

Basically Shinji 🤝 Mitsuru: gaining weight and exploring what foods they like for the first time as a way of showing they’re recovering

i’ve thought ab this with shinji constantly (i’m not sure the oversized clothes i put him in have ever properly showed it tho 😭) but i’ve never imagined it with mitsuru !! i definitely draw mitsuru a bit thicker than she actually is but ive never put much thought behind it besides it looks better to me LMFAO … now i will have a reason to continue drawing her this way and more…

in general, the whole “gaining weight to signify growth” oh i could collapse i fear … literally the most perfect & beautiful hc for any fandom…

& guhhh i seriously seriously am in love w shinji & mitsu friendship so much. i always love to think about the respect they have for each other and how they can alwyas just get together if they want to chill … falls to my knees. them getting food together and it’s whatever they want bc they’re becoming so secure in their lives … ……. no judgement just vibes. post canon shinji lives au, i love u so much…

also the bits w aki, kotone, & yukari … clenches fist. sniffle. this is kind of in relation to all of sees but it works here so i’ll mention it: their entire group vehemently protecting each other even tho they’re all fully capable of doing so on their own (except probably fuuka & ken to an extent) is actually just a god tier level thought. big family ..

+ i love that u send such long asks Thank you so much… you’ve already said everything so i feel like there’s not much for me to add !! but i love this so much… 🫶🫶

[mizkit]

new blog post: living 'on the road system'

new blog post on https://mizkit.com/living-on-the-road-system/

living 'on the road system'

In one of the chat rooms I frequent, Snowqueen, a fellow chatter, experienced a small earthquake in a not-very-usual earthquake zone, and found it very disquieting. She does live in a Cold Place, so as she said, “I don’t know how people live in earthquake zones but I guess I live in a place where the cold could freeze your eyeballs so apparently you just get used to things.”

Well. I mean. I grew up in an earthquake zone where the cold froze your eyeballs! All at the same time! But, indeed, it never bothered me at all, because people can get used to anything, even being hanged, as the Irishman said.

However, having shared this piece of information about myself, Snowqueen was Quite of the opinion that living in an earthquake zone where the cold froze your eyeballs should Not Be Allowed, in much the same way that having to take three exams in one day was Not Allowed because nobody could write three giant essays in one day. But I–having, you know, grown up with it and thinking very little of it overall–also added, “The best bit, though, was when the volcano was also going off.”

At this point, a third party in the chat room, Hummingrose, said, “WHERE exactly did you grow up again?!?!?!” and Snowqueen was like, “Never mind, you’ve moved into supervillain origin story territory, it’s allowed again,” while I was typing out the story of the volcano:

This being in the Ancient Days of Yore, I had called JC Penney to place a catalog order and the woman I was speaking to, who was very clearly reading off a computer screen, began brightly and trailed off into audible bafflement and horror: “And I need to tell you that your order may be delayed be…because of…because of volcanic activity in the area?!?!?!?!?!!?”

At that point the volcano had been going off for over a week and was blasé to us, so I was like “oh yeah it’s about 40 miles away and dumping ash all over us, it’s fine,” while the poor woman on the other end was having palpitations. :D

So I said I grew up in Kenai, Alaska, and Hummingrose immediately looked it up, ofc, because nobody knows where Kenai is, and having looked it up, said, “I’m looking at the map and is it as way out in the middle of nowhere as it seems?”

Me: I mean, it’s on the road system. Me, after a few seconds of thinking about that: …which I guess is not an answer that most people have to give about the places they grew up, so…

Fourth party, Jillheather: ‘on the road system’

Me: WELL! It IS!

Kenai is, yes, remote by most people’s standards, I guess. It’s about 160 miles from Anchorage, which is the largest city in Alaska, by which is not very big by, er, most people’s standards. Under 300K ppl. But I remember in college hearing a woman saying she was from a small town of about 40K, which is considerably larger than any Alaskan town EXCEPT Anchorage, and I never really recovered from that. Like. That’s not a small town. :)

Anyway, so my two favorite earthquakes were the one when I was about eleven that struck on a Saturday night right around midnight and Kept. Going. long enough for me and my sister to both wake up at the jolt, wait, then get out of bed and go upstairs to see if everybody else was up to see how long the earthquake was.

They were, so we all stood around in the living room counting it. It lasted about 80 seconds, I think, and then since we were all up, we all watched Saturday Night Live, which happened to be the William Shatner episode, which, weirdly, was the only episode I ever saw any of until I was nearly thirty. Every time I’d happen to see it, it’d be a rerun of that. Like three, four times. Which is neither here nor there, but there it is. :)

The other really good one, my husband and I were in the dining room and he swung his coat on and I thought he’d smacked the dining room light because it suddenly started swinging dramatically, and I was like “ack!” and he was like “what?!” and then we realized that oh, we were having quite a big quake!

But mostly earthquakes are a thing we go “hnh, that was probably about a 4.3” about and then check to see if we’re right, or if the epicenter was either Very Close or Very Far. Usually we’re right.

So that’s what it’s like growing up ‘on the road system’ in my part of the world. :)

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

May I please request beat, kiss, and loop with Finny, please? Istg, he is actually sunshine?

criesssss I love it when I get to write Finny! baby boy ;w;

nonverbal starters beat dance with them. kiss a kiss on the cheek, knuckles, forehead, in their hair. loop drape an arm around their shoulders.

You love the fact that Lord Phantomhive lets his servants have a good time at his parties, as long as they’re doing their jobs.

It means you’re often free to carouse with the servant who’s caught your attention ― the blonde gardener, whose smile seems to be made of the sun. He’s apparently stuck between not knowing his own strength and being far too aware of it, being that he tries to be careful… and still ends up accidentally breaking or knocking things over. You think Lord Phantomhive is understanding, as are his coworkers. It’s not like the poor boy is doing it on purpose!

Besides… he’s been very kind to you. You still remember the first time you spoke to him, when he managed to gently pull you away from a dance partner who made you uncomfortable, by telling a little white lie that his young master wanted to see you.

You talk to him every time you come to one of Lord Phantomhive’s parties. His name is FINNY, and he’s become the object of your affections.

Tonight is when you make your move to do more than just talk to him.

He’s just sort of watching the party go on when you come up and put an arm around his shoulders. “Finny! Are you having a good time?”

“Ah!” He startles easily, you’ve noticed, although he’s fairly quick to recover. This isn’t the first time you’ve given him a sort of one-armed hug, but… it’s certainly the first time you’ve come so close and lingered. His cheeks flush a light pink, and he gives you a bright smile. It’s as if the clouds have parted to reveal a sunny sky. “O-oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention… but, yes! I’m just…”

The way he casts his gaze out toward the couples spinning around is longing. It’s plain as day that he wishes he could be out there. “… Just watching everyone. I don’t really know how to dance, but… it looks like fun. It’d be nice to be so close to someone.” You can almost hear the words, without worrying I’d hurt them, even though he doesn’t say it.

“Oh!” He blinks before looking over at you again. “Where are my manners? Are you having a good time? You’re one’a the guests, after all… it’s a lot more important that you’re enjoyin’ yourself.”

Well, you wouldn’t put it that way. The sight of Finny enjoying himself is an incredibly important thing to you personally.

You give his shoulders another squeeze. “Well, now that you mention it… I could be having a better time.”

“Oh! Oh, no.” Oh, no, indeed. He’s so precious! That look on his face… so sincere, like he’s willing to do literally anything within his power to make sure your evening is perfect. “What can I do to help??”

Finally you move your arm, so that you can clasp his hands in yours. “Dance with me.”

He doesn’t really get a chance to say anything, unless a squeak counts. You all but drag the poor boy into the middle of dancing couples, wrapping your arm around his waist. (Who cares what the traditional thing is, right? You’ll dance with this man however you damn well please.) “Come, Finny! This is my favorite song!”

“W-wha ― but I… I told you, I don’t really know how to dance…!” His face is bright red again; however, he’s still smiling, and he hurries to hook both arms around your neck.

“That’s fine! I’ll teach you. Here, it’s really not that hard… this is a waltz, so, you move like this to… one, two, three… one, two, three…”

He’s practically clinging to you the entire time… and laughing under his breath. His touch is very soft, like he’s afraid to hold on too tightly in case he misjudges his strength. Still, it’s apparent that he does enjoy being close to you like this.

Of course, you do too, or else you wouldn’t have pulled him out onto the floor. If anyone is looking at you, the batty noble dancing with a servant, you don’t care. You’re happy with Finny, happier than you’ve ever been with anyone.

Even when the song draws to an end and a new one starts, you don’t move away. You keep your arms around his waist, clasping your hands at the bottom of his spine to hold him against you. Although he squirms a little, he doesn’t seem to actually want to leave. It appears he just… thinks you’ve had enough of him after one song. “A-ah, (Lord/Lady) (Name)… don’t you want to… go dance with someone else?”

“No.” That’s a complete sentence, isn’t it? You don’t really need to justify yourself. Still, you lean even closer and press a kiss to his cheek. You’ve been wanting to do that for quite some time now. “Why would I ever want to dance with anyone else when I have you?”

To his credit, he doesn’t look to have a response to that. His reaction is to turn pink, and bury his face against your neck.

But you can feel his smile against your skin.

And in a quiet, warm breath: “I-I… I was hoping you’d say that.”

Let everyone think you’re out of your mind for dancing with Finny, much less kissing him.

You only care what he thinks of you.

[mdhwrites]

Idea Pitch: A Teenage Clark in Metropolis

“What are you doing up so late, honey?” “Oh, just running some numbers. The crops haven’t really recovered since the drought last year and prices for things are going up and... And...” “We’ll make it through. We always do.” “I know. I know. Just... Well, we probably won’t be able to spend the money for Clark to really join any clubs or the like, let alone a new, good camera after he broke the last one and that has me thinking about those fliers...” “John...” “I know! It’d be best to have him at home but if Luthor Corp can give him a place in Metropolis, with a better education, than maybe that’s what’s best for him, at least for a year. And let’s face it, our little man is too super to just end up in a little town like ours. Not when he has such big dreams.”

“I’m not going to say you’re wrong but...”

Clark stood just out of sight, tears in his eyes as he balled his hands into fists. It wasn’t out of anger though. No, it was out of determination. He remembered how lean things had gotten last year and felt bad every time his strength caused his parents problems. Every time they needed new hinges or nails to deal with a mistake of his. The idea of leaving home, of going off to the big city like this, did scare him but if it helped his folks breathe than he had to be ready.

And so Clark enters a set of dorms in the heart of Metropolis for those who are without and need a jump start on their future, all provided by Luthor Corp. Kids from all over the state are picked by income, grades and merit to be a part with them all going to Metropolis High School as freshman. Amongst them is a kid chosen for his photography submission, Jimmy Olsen who bunks just above Clark, a girl with so much gumption that she spent two weeks hounding the people running the program before showing a potential future in journalism with a piece on the program that went viral, even if an exporting error made it so her name wasn’t actually on it. The program leads had gotten the file though and so Lois Lane joined.

There was one oddity amongst them though. One person who seemed genuinely angry to be there and at least at first regards Clark’s overtures of kindness with suspicion. He knows how people really are after all. Corporate flunkies are always trying to get close to him after all, hoping to curry favor with his father. And now he’s been banished here for ‘perspective’.

But just maybe, Lex might manage to get some, especially since other kids here seem to be interested in taking down this ‘Superman’ who rises up not long after they all move in. At bare minimum, they’ll make good pawns, especially with how naive Clark is about the world.

=========

This idea came to me because of family stuff that really isn’t mine to share. I don’t even think I’d claim this to be MAWS related but I tagged it anyways because if I did do it, I’d be using the dynamics and characterizations set by that but making them probably almost a decade younger than they are in the show. Admittedly, just due to my strengths, “Teenage Superman” is an idea that had floated into my head for this show already, this just theoretically gave it an initial hook and premise.

Do I plan to actually do it? Probably not anytime soon. Probably never. But that’s what these idea pitches are for. To share that which I won’t get to. I hope you all liked it.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[morocosmos]

Returning - G’raha

Intro chapter | Thancred | Urianger | Y’shtola | Alphinaud, Estinien | Tataru | Alisaie, Krile

Warrior of Light & G’raha Tia

Takes place during Endwalker, just after the end of 6.0. This is a series of vignettes on each of the Scions’ relationships with my Warrior of Light, Moro’a as he’s recovering after the end of the Final Days.

“How bad is it?”

Moro’a gritted his teeth as he tried to think through the haze of pain. “Bad,” he answered simply. The magic Frynn had used to treat his pain had nearly worn off, and he recalled the force of his fist colliding with Zenos’s jaw, followed by the accompanying crunch; from the way the shock had ripped through every muscle and bone in his arm, there was little wonder as to why it was in such a state.

He watched as G’raha nodded, his red eyes narrowed in a serious expression. There was more there – concern, as well as some other form of tension. “And…you are adamant that you would rather have me tend to it now, as opposed to letting the sages handle it?” the Seeker asked, after a long pause.

Moro’a considered G’raha’s words, working through the implications beneath their surface. The sages’ feathers had already been ruffled once in the aftermath of his aethershock attack; the Scions might risk incurring more than unsavoury thoughts were they to explicitly reject their expertise any further, and it was unlikely that Fourchenault would extend his authority to their aid a second time.

Despite that, he knew he would much rather have any one of the Scions do something than have the sages administer their form of remedy on him again. The first time he'd complained of pain, they’d carefully made adjustments to the machines linked to him, and several minutes later a strong numbness had followed, permeating throughout his body. It’d been deeply uncomfortable, comparatively mild to what he had experienced in Norvrandt as the Light had taken its toll on him, and yet. He’d been forced to endure the lack of sensation until blessed sleep at last claimed him.

Moro’a knew there was more to G’raha’s hesitation, too, but he was unsure of how to approach it. “Fourchenault said you and the other Scions could lend your magic ‘within reason'. Such was his wording, correct?” he inquired instead. G’raha nodded again, and Moro’a looked up towards the ceiling, weighing his choices.

“I believe you could consider this one such situation, then. If the sages pester you for a reason, tell them I’d be willing to explain it myself. They can present alternatives if they have any,” he decided out loud. G’raha didn’t immediately respond, and Moro’a noticed that his eyes had widened, though he maintained his composure. “Very well,” G’raha replied, settling back an ilm into his chair. The surprise was gone, smoothed over by a small, optimistic smile. “I shall entrust negotiations over to you, my friend. Then, if I may…” Moro’a felt G’raha lift his arm, and he couldn’t help but wince as his mending nerves protested. “My apologies,” the Seeker murmured.

“S’fine.” G’raha’s touch was neither rough nor gentle, but a cautious balancing act that Moro’a felt as he tilted his arm here and there, feeling where bone had been fractured and flesh torn. Moro’a half-watched, half-turned his gaze to the side, unsure of what more to say. Even after all this time, a faint air of awkwardness remained between them; an undesirable reminder of year-old differences and disappointments that made itself known when no one else was around. But Moro’a was glad for his presence all the same; pain aside, staying in this small room while all but immobile had made him want for company.

“Does it hurt most around the proximal phalanges of your hand, or is it more generalised?” G’raha enquired, after a time.

“Slightly concentrated there. But the rest of the arm hurts almost as much as where I’d hit Zenos,” Moro’a replied, feeling slightly embarrassed detailing how he had punched the Garlean. It still felt too surreal that he’d fought Zenos bare-fisted at the very edge of the universe less than three sennights ago. But G’raha made no move to bring it up as he continued to inspect Moro’a’s arm and hand with what the Keeper could only describe as utmost concentration. G’raha had been tense when he’d arrived for what would be his first visit since Moro’a had awoken; he had relaxed a little, though that undercurrent of something other remained. It was several moments more before he placed Moro’a’s arm back by his side, seemingly satisfied enough with his assessment to speak.

“The damage to your arm was certainly, well, extensive,” G’raha began. “Llorhis, the head nurse did report multiple fractures extending from your fingers to your lower arm…from what I can tell, the Technon restoration unit has focused on steadily repairing these, as well as where the muscles were torn all throughout.” So that explained the heightened pain in his right arm, Moro’a thought. “As for what I can do to relieve the strain it’s placing on you–” an odd shadow crossed over the Scion’s face, for just a moment – “I can modify a spell that Beq Lugg taught me for numbing pain. It was, ah, intended for my own use as the Crystal Exarch, once upon a time. But I should be able to adapt the spell without issue.”

G’raha was looking intently at him now, as though trying to gauge his response. “Additionally, I believe I can also adjust the extent of said numbing to your preference…should you have any concerns in that regard," he said, delicately.

It took a moment for Moro’a to catch on to G’raha’s meaning, but as he did, realisation had him staring at the other miqo’te, and G’raha dithered. “T’was only a hunch,” he added quickly. “After the aethershock, and learning you’d rather the Scions attend to your pain over what the sages have used.”

Moro’a blinked. “What was your hunch?” he couldn’t help but ask.

G’raha’s ears lowered to the sides a little as his gaze travelled to his lap. “Thanks to an explanation from Alphinaud, I learned that the sages employ several forms of umbral aether when treating pain,” he explained. “It led me to wonder if you might’ve found the effects of potent stasis-leaning magic uncomfortable, or perhaps even distressing…given what you’d endured on the First."

"...Like how the Light was affecting me." Of course G’raha would have picked up on this, Moro’a realised. He’d somehow neglected to anticipate that G’raha would have thought to consider how he might feel about it, before he’d even brought it up. Truthfully, it was a relief to see him approach the situation so conscientiously.

"Thank you," Moro'a said quietly, G'raha's ears swivelling towards him as he listened. “I was going to mention it, but you’re right about how I feel towards their methods. By which I mean I despised every second of it,” he sighed, leaning back into the pillow. The pain was beginning to tire him out again. “I would take just about anything else, perhaps even going without any remedy if I had to.”

“Well, ‘tis good that you need not resort to that last option. I would say you’ve endured enough for an age and a half,” G’raha stated. “But surely you know that my white magic will have a similar effect. Would that still be alright?”

“Yes – I doubt it would be half as uncomfortable as what the machinery did to me,” Moro’a explained. “I trust that you’ll figure out something.”

“Very well.” G’raha was smiling, and his shoulders looked more relaxed, as though the tension he’d been holding had abated significantly. “I’ll need to fetch my staff and take some time to work out the spell, but rest assured it won’t take long,” he said.

“And…thank you in turn. For trusting me with this task.” Moro’a nodded, feeling several onzes lighter himself. The air between them had changed – not entirely, but enough to soften the awkwardness into something far more hopeful.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Rage Fire Institution

Movement. 11.

“You have heard of resting, haven’t you? You’ve been in estrus again, and you’re still recovering. When’s the last time you’ve been home to see mother?”

Nursing the drink he’d had for the last half hour, Tatsumi had indeed heard of this mythical resting thing. And he had indeed been through estrus with the help of medical technology. The sleep pod took care of everything. From deification, feeding, pheromone release, breathing capabilities through to the mess of release. Everything was handled by the self contained unit once he’d shown up at the omega only clinic. The omega wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep until the end of the year, yet that was completely unacceptable. He’d woken up to dozens of messages from other students, even a couple from Doctor Poaw and Skylark, both filling him in on Maki as if that was the first question on his mind post-estrus.

Glaring slightly at Samara, it hadn’t been Tatsumi’s idea to go straight from the clinic to the cafe. He’d had other plans, only he’d gotten his timing wrong and bumped right into Samara when dealing with other business

“That’s where I was headed next”

“Nonsense, you would have gotten caught up then returned to the institution. When’s the last time you visited your poor mother?”

“I took a month off. She’s still the same”

“Ah, maybe I’ll take her some flowers. You really ought to be thinking about a prospective mate. Even if it’s only physical, it’d do you the world of good”

“I’m…”

“You’re busy with work. I can get you a deal on the optics you need, you don’t need to keep suffering this way”

Tatsumi sighed. Samara knew too much. Too much about him. Coming out of estrus and bumping into him had been a serious stroke of misfortune

“It’s fine. The pod works for me”

“It’s still not the same. Generic alpha pheromones, tricks to make your body think you’ve been knotted, pheromones to deal with a lack of conception…”

“My mental health is better than it was. I would have been fine had someone not stuck his nose in”

“Hardly. Any alpha would take one look at you and know you’d just come out of estrus”

“It’s fine. I appreciate your concern but it’s not needed”

Samara gave a light laugh. As someone who’d dealt with his estrus on his own terms, Tatsumi didn’t see the need to go changing things this late in the game

“Alright. Finish your drink, I’ll run you home after”

“I’m going back to the school”

“You need rest”

“And I can rest in my quarters there. Blame it on omegas needing familiar grounds or whatever you want, but I’m going back there”

“I expect you to stay there. If I hear any word that you’ve turned up at the club…”

“You won’t because I won’t. You ruined that. I only went to notify Donny”

“Yeah, yeah. I know what that means. You can’t keep living like this. I don’t want to see you this way. They wouldn’t…”

Anger flashed over Tatsumi’s face. For half a moment he had the desire to throw his drink on Samara’s face then storm out, but that would only prove Samara right. He had no right to bring any of that up, not now and not ever

“Don’t. I like where I am. I like the other students. It’s not what it was, but that doesn’t make my life bad. Everyone who comes back has to find a way to move forwards again. This is mine. Now, I’d appreciate the lift, but I’m not sticking around for a long winded lecture about how I choose to spend the rest of my days”

Samara raised his hands in defeat. Tatsumi could understand his friend too well. All the government campaigns were total bullshit and the moment you became a burden to them they ceased seeing you as anything remotely human. An unmated, unwed, unbonded omega with psychological scars could only expect their government payment and maybe a few medical perks in the first few years. His government payments went to the upkeep of his family home, leaving him limited option on that sense. He couldn’t say he was happy all of the time, but being around people forced him not to withdraw further, that alone should have been seen as a win. But not to Samara… Samara who had a long term partner and soon would have kids… something so out of reach of Tatsumi that it felt like an insult.

“Alright. You win this round. But don’t think I won’t keep trying to recruit you. I don’t want to see you left rotting when there’s something more out there. Take your time, I’ll get you some food, space knows that fridge of yours will be empty”

“I don’t need you too”

“Relax, if I don’t then how will be able to face my misses? She’s going to pick up your pheromones the moment I get home”

“That’s not my problem. You shouldn’t give her reasons to be upset”

“Just finish your damn drink already”

Taken back to the institution by capsule car, Tatsumi made a show of waving until Samara left. He’d bought him far too much food. With classes in session, Tatsumi’s plan was to head straight back to his quarters and crawl right into bed. He’d nearly succeeded too when a knock came on his door. There was only one bastard who’d come bothering him within the walls of the institution the day he came back, and that was Skylark.

Dragging himself back up, Tatsumi crossed to the door, counting to three before opening it. Skylark standing there as if ready to barking orders at him, the man seriously never knew how to relax. Casually, Tatsumi leant against the door frame, counting off the coming conversation points on his fingers

“I’m fine. I have food. I’m not going back to work until next week”

“You look like shit”

“And you look ready to blow up. Come in then, you can get it all off your chest. I’ll get us some food”

Food turned the omega’s sensitive stomach. Lighter food would have been easier to digest, yet Samara had bought mostly heavy pastry and noodles. Plating himself up some noodles, Tatsumi half hearted pulled out a few meat pastries, before bringing the two plates over to the sitting area. Taking the plate when offered, Skylark raised an eyebrow

“I didn’t think you’d get this fancy”

“Samara stuck his nose in. Is this about Maki, what’s he done this time?”

Skylark shook his head

“You don’t know the concept of rest, do you? Off having a date straight out of estrus…”

Skylark was as delusional as Samara, Tatsumi tiredly correcting him

“You know it’s not that way. I’m struggling to see what was so urgent you had to come the moment I got back”

“That kid, he been out lately?”

So it was about Maki. His username might be “MakingGood”, but right now he was “MakingAHeadache”. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Tatsumi sat across from Skylark

“I wouldn’t know. I was intercepted before I could see Donny. Did he sneak out again?”

“No. That’s the damn problem. The little bastard hasn’t done anything”

“That’s supposed to be a good thing”

“Not when it comes to him. He and that mate of his came to see me, pissing themselves as they did. You didn’t tell you’d cleared their project already”

“I wasn’t exactly thinking about the pair of them. Did you sign off?”

“I did. The little shit’s managed to pull off something half decent. I get you want to help them all, but you can’t be giving them projects like this”

Tatsumi sighed at implication

“I didn’t. You know I want to keep my head down. He thought that up with Poaw while I was sleeping. Though it does seem I gave him the idea”

“Now, you know…”

Tatsumi knew what was coming next. He was pilot who was stuck in research and Maki was a researcher stuck on the pilot track

“No. You knew the kid was smart, that’s why you wanted someone keeping him out of trouble”

“I didn’t think it’d actually work”

Maki wouldn’t be curbed so easily from seeking out what he wanted in his life. If the young alpha wasn’t going out, he’d have a good reason. Probably so Skylark wouldn’t deny him and Li access to the student mechs. Tatsumi expected more from Skylark as he spelled it out

“You should know some of the worst kids have a way of coming around in the end. Though I doubt he’ll give up his freedom any time soon. I’d place money that once this project is over, he’ll be going out again”

“The little bastard’s going to get himself hurt if he keep this up”

“You can’t stop a curious mind. Anything else happen I should know about?”

“No. Not particularly. He’s been going to classes and been seen over at the research wing. You had to go stick your nose in, didn’t you?”

“If all you’re going to do is complain about your plan working, then what’s the point?”

“Who else am I going to bitch too? Those little shits piss themselves when I come round”

Tatsumi knew Skylark was only bitching to prolong checking in on him. He knew Skylark well enough to know he felt superior to the students… even to him. Drawing his knees up, he made himself comfortable

“You can take that to go if you want. I’m not rushing anywhere”

“You should be. You know you can’t let your pheromones out on campus”

“They’re only a problem because you showed up. Don’t go sniffing me without permission”

“Then learn to take a shower before you come back. I’ll take this to go, like you said, but only because I don’t want your stink on me”

“Sure, sure. Next time, don’t come racing to me when the kid doesn’t mess up. It’s not my job to care about him”

“See that you don’t. That kid’s got a career a mile long in front of him if he doesn’t fuck it up now. I don’t want to be bailing him out in five years time down the road”

Leaving the conversation at that, Skylark left. Tatsumi poking at his noodles without any desire to actually eat them. If only Skylark would give a little. No. He’d never break face and tell Maki to pull his head in because he’d seen too many good people die. The man was a bundle of contradictions that made the omega’s aching head throb harder. Maybe it was better to forget eating and simply shower before someone else decided to darken his doorstep?

***

“Dude, did you hear, the prodigal Professor has returned. He walked right through the front gates like it was nothing. Man, I wish I had the balls to do that”

Humming, Maki didn’t look up from his data pad. Li sliding into his seat next to him, before pulling out his own data pad. Maki has hoped to finish what he was reading before his best friend arrived, but from the buzzing next to his ear, he’d run out of time. Li disliking the hum he’d gotten in reply

“Are you listening to me?”

“Not really”

“I’m telling you the Professor’s back and you don’t even care”

Maki didn’t have time to care. Annoyingly, his curious mind had locked onto the research student project and he’d been able to get it out of his head. He knew he’d let his friendship slide as he hadn’t told Li about the research group, but no one had ever called him a social butterfly

“Hurray? It’s not like we needed him”

“Aren’t you curious? Skylark said the end of the week, not 7 days with change and no explanation. He didn’t even tell us he was back”

“And? How do you know he’s actually back?”

“It’s on the school forum. What’s for you so interested you don’t have time for me?”

Before Li could lean over, Maki turned the data pad screen off, then placing it down and looking to Li

“I was reading. It’s not that important. The Professor totally bailed on us. He didn’t even bother explaining, why should we be the ones to make the effort of caring?”

Li rolled his eyes so hard that there should have been sound effects. Part of Maki was curious, yet the bigger part of him was angry that Tatsumi had first pushed his way onto the project, then left as if he didn’t have some form of responsibility as to whether the project passed. Li sassing him

“You should care because he’s our friend. You know what a friend is still, right?”

Ouch. Okay. Maki could see why he deserved that

“I said I was sorry. Cut me some slack, I’ve been working on our project”

“You said that, but you haven’t changed anything that I can see. How can you be working on it still?”

“So I can remember what’s in the presentation”

Li gave him a good hard look before burying his face in his hands

“You’re right. I’m no good at this stuff. What if we totally fail because of me?”

“And what if we don’t? If that prick turns up and slides by on our work, I’m not going to be happy”

“But if he doesn’t pass we won’t either. Can you message him? Ask him to meet with us?”

His best friend cared too much. He was faithful to a fault when it came to friendship and he seemed genuinely worried

“Li, you’re too kind hearted for this world. I’ll message him later”

“Thank you, I’m sure he’ll reply if it’s you”

“Don’t go saying weird things”

***

Skylark was a strange man, Maki decided that on the spot seeing his ban from piloting had been lifted suddenly. Taking pity on him, Fleur matched up with him for the hand to hand drills, their comms open with each other as they both pondered and speculated about why. Given his suit wasn’t against school rules, he’d swapped from his trainee pilot suit to the one produced by Doctor Poaw, the effects of which raised his synchronisation by 2%. In an actual battle a 2% raise was huge. Even to him the extra 2% felt huge. The cut of the fabric, and the feel of the fabric, felt far nicer too. There was no rubbing on his glands, and it had excellent sweat absorption.

Once the warm up was done, the entire training hall was converted. The floor moving to take the shape of a simulated battlefield so two teams of three could take part in mock battle, working to capture the flag in the middle. Student mechs lacked any actual firepower. The limiters on what they had were lifted by Andes in the control room. First years only had access to lasers and tiny smoke bombs. The lasers signified a hit provided a pilot could hold the target longer than 10 seconds. In the second year that became 5 and they also had small energy chargers that would spread across the point of combat like paint, then vanish with instruction from Andes. As shields didn’t fall into direct attack weaponry, they were one of the first things pilots learned about before even getting into a mech and allowed to be openly used. Still, they took a large amount of focus.

The days simulation was a jungle type environment. Technology making it so real around them that was it hard to think of the environment simply as generated pixels. Nature sounds accompanied, to the point where should a tree be bit, the sound of cracking and falling was authentic, as was taking fake damage if hit by the falling tree.

Thanks to his stupid reputation, Maki wanted to do what he usually did, recklessly charge the flag and get it all over with. Thanks to his new suit, Maki also wanted to make the most of it. He didn’t care if the other students saw it as an unfair advantage. They should have picked a similar concept for their own projects instead of modding mechs that meant unmodding them after. The research students had been working on a mod system for mech barriers, which also helped him in situations such as these. Without their own private mech and team of pilots, data had came from the piloting classes of past years. His mind a whirl of figures that he’d crammed into his brain, trying to assess the project from every possible angle to predict battle techniques.

With the same system for everyone, everyone knew what their mechs could do. Melee combat a given, yet Maki’s eyes had been opened. Even in melee combat, if he could shape his barrier, the barrier edge could be used effectively to subdue a mech while staying mostly protected.

“Sato, what are you doing? The match has already started”

“Leave him out of it. He always goes for the flag, everyone knows it”

“That doesn’t mean anything if he doesn’t move. Andes is going to be all over us if he stands there the whole time”

Flexing his mechs hand, Maki bit back a snappy retort. His team mates would have been the same if they had new suits. He and Li had tried hand to hand combat, but that wasn’t with the terrain in place. Maybe if he asked Skylark again, he’d let them try suit to suit combat with terrain activated… then again, the sky just might fall down if he asked too many questions

“Give it a rest. I’m thinking”

“Forget it. He’s thinking. Great. Let’s go without him”

If his team mates were going to do as they pleased, he may as well as do as he pleased. Activating his barrier, Maki slowly drew it out between both hands, watching the edges rather than the shimmering middle. It brought up new ideas and a new need to ask Li a favour. Being inside the mech meant he couldn’t be outside checking how the suit did against the barrier or how thick it was. If the research students could get permission to observe it’d do a lot for their project. Not that he cared about them… they simply provided an interesting idea.

“Sato! Stop messing around and get moving! They’ve already advanced!”

Scowling at the overhead voice of Andes, Maki had to admit now was not the time to be intrigued. Now was the time to be his labelled self and charge the damn flag as they all expected. If he kept dawdling he’d be benched again, and how could he test his new theories if he was?

“Yes, sir”

Following his teammates route through the dense jungle, Maki was the last one there. The melee had already started, three against two, with all five mechs around the central flag. Despite the dislike his teammates had for him, he couldn’t simply leave them that way. If this was a street brawl he also wouldn’t have been able to leave two against three and keep a clean conscious.

Plowing straight into the battle, Maki activated his smoke bombs as he went, using his barrier to keep his vision of immediate area in front of him cleared. Cursing him, it didn’t stop the alpha as he manoeuvred behind his teammates, pulling the first one back from the blindly swinging opponent. It was a total rookie move. If the smoke was in the way, the only thing you could do was back out the space

“What the hell, Sato? What are you trying to pull?”

“Activate your barriers and use the space to clear your footing. When I’ve got their attention again, go for the flag, you’ll be fine”

“You arsehole, what are you trying to pull?”

“I’m trying to win. It’s not my fault you didn’t use your own smoke bombs to put distance between you”

If his teammates didn’t like him before, they certainly didn’t like him now. Both cursing as Maki jumped backwards to move around the smoke field. Activating his laser weapon, Maki charged the opponent mech ground from the side, with no other plan of forcing them into to the smoke and hoping they’d swing at each other in the confusion.

Unfortunately things didn’t go that smoothly. As soon as one mech cleared the smoke, the others followed. Annoyed at the cockiness of dropping smoke bombs, all three mechs teamed up against him… while his two teammates focused on the flag. If only he could weaponise his barrier. If he could have modded the barrier to form how he desired a lance would have been good, or even a whip. Instead, alarms started going off as the three mechs started firing at him. The best he could do was return fire.

But his best wasn’t good enough. Three mechs acting independently meant three opponents, all with different thoughts. As he barrelled into the closest mech, the alarms in his cockpit suddenly stopped, the word “Eliminated” popping up on the display. The defeat was bitter, yet it would be unseemly to fight after being disqualified, even if his mech had more to give.

Reluctantly, Maki was forced to sit back as he watched his team lose. He’d not gotten to fight, nor had he gotten to test his suit’s capabilities further. It stung.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, MAY 31, 1996 I just had myself quite a scare. I was in the music room listening to old conversations with the crisis center. Luckily, I had the lights on when I saw a humongous sewer roach that was nearly 3 inches long. I ran and grabbed the can of Raid and the fucker wouldn’t die, but I eventually managed to slow it down, and then swat it with the fly swatter. Now that room stinks and I’m avoiding going in there for a while. I’m glad I didn’t find this thing in the winter cuz I’d have to air out the fumes of the Raid and it’d be freezing in here.

Yesterday morning we did do missionary position, but only for a few minutes again for two reasons. One of the reasons, I believe, is his wait and do things slowly and his instill-patience-in-Jodi obsession. The other is that now his legs are sore. He said that due to his shoulders feeling better, he notices his legs now. Earlier, though, he said he was almost healed all over. There’ll be something else now. This position does appear to make it easier for him and he does seem more into it, so that’s also probably why he’ll never want to do it for too long. He’ll probably have a much harder time holding back if this is truly what he’s doing and still wants to do.

I’m absolutely amazed that I’ll be hitting mid-cycle on a Saturday. I almost never do, but I still wouldn’t be shocked if we just couldn’t have sex that day for some reason, even though we almost always do on weekends. I guess he just wants to be extra careful. I think we’ve only screwed once when I was 14 days after my period.

My mother-in-law got me 3 cans of my favorite coffees due to my patience with them needing Tom over there a lot to help them. I understand and this was very sweet of her.

I feel much better than I did over the last 4 or 5 days and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was right before my period when I was really right after it. I was depressed, I was constipated, I had pre-cramps and I was hornier than hell. Tom says it’s OK to be depressed and that everybody is at times and that it’s necessary so we can be happy and appreciate it all the more. Yeah, he has a point, but no thanks to being depressed. I hate feeling anxious, angry or sad. I totally dig being happy and I’ll always appreciate it when I am. I wish I could be more than usual, but I have hopes of being much happier and for much longer periods at a time. I still say that the day will come when I’ll stop fighting my erratic schedule and just accept and deal with the fact that I can’t be on a schedule. Also, I’ll either be glad I couldn’t have a kid, or just won’t care, or both.

I may end up doing something totally stupid and set myself up again to fall, though. Once my schedule gets back on days, I may try the Melatonin again cuz sometimes I’m too stubborn and selfish and just don’t know when to quit and accept things as they are. The kid, I accept never having, but I guess you could say that I’m going longer periods at a time being able to deal with the fact that that can never be and I know it’ll keep getting better with time.

I wonder if Andy did come over to use the pool today. He mentioned it. God was he pushy the night I had the attack. I left him a message about it and said that that night wasn’t a good night to call since I was still beat and recovering from it, but he goes and calls anyway and didn’t even mention it. Didn’t even ask if I was okay or how I was feeling. Andy can be a lot like Tom. They’re different in the way that Andy likes others to be like him, whereas Tom’s hung up on being different. Tom likes to make it a point to arrange things differently, eat differently, have different habits both non-sexual and sexual and so much more.

Andy and Tom both go against things you ask of them a lot. They also live up to things you accuse or assume about them. In other words, cuz I tell Tom he seems to prefer sex at the end of his day, he’ll go out of his way to live up to that expectation and want sex at the end of his day. They also are payback kinds of people, but we all tend to give what we get within reason. If I’m gabbing away to Tom when he first wakes up, which neither of us likes, he does it to me when I wake up.

THURSDAY, MAY 30, 1996 It took me a couple of days after that attack to get my strength back. I was pretty exhausted and had been sleeping in spurts, but that’s how it usually works after an attack. Emotionally, I was pretty bummed, too. That Melatonin had seemed like a miracle cure, but as they say - if something’s too good to be true, it isn’t true.

What the hell, though? I don’t need to work and I’ll never have a child, so it doesn’t matter if I can hold a schedule or not. Tom believes and tells me to stop trying and it’ll naturally happen by itself. He means the schedule and the kid. He believes things are just handed to you on a silver platter and that they just happen on their own if you don’t try or put any effort into them. Is this why I still smoke? Why haven’t I just happened to have quit smoking then, if I haven’t been trying which has been the case with me?

Tom downloaded Crazy 8’s from AOL. We played each other on the two computers and then I played myself and it’s really cool and a lot of fun. You can play against the computer or with someone else on another computer.

The pigeons are really very strange. One laid an egg in the pool.

We did missionary position last night. I really, really enjoyed it, but he didn’t last more than a few minutes since his shoulders were sore (he’s always sore or tired).

Later…

Tom’s up now and last night we discussed having fun this morning, but I don’t know. He really only likes sex at the end of his day or before bed. He may not want to do anything this morning or maybe he’ll just want to go down on me. I don’t think he feels comfortable screwing towards the beginning of his day when he’s most energetic and therefore has a harder time holding back.

I wanted to see if he really pays attention as I believe he does to when I get my periods. So I told him I forgot to write down when I got it and asked if he knew. He knew. So on June 8th when I’m mid-cycle, he won’t touch me. I still wonder why, though, when he knows I can’t get pregnant with him not cumming and I doubt he’s worried he’d slip and let go since he never has yet. And why would God help keep him away from me then when Tom won’t cum and when God knows that all he has to do is make sure I’m sterile due to the DES or something else?

MONDAY, MAY 27, 1996 Cuz it’s Memorial Day, Tom wished he could’ve been here this morning, rather than helping David and Evie move. It’s best that he wasn’t here, cuz who would want to deal with what I went through this morning? One of us was enough.

After 4 hours of sleep (yes, the Melatonin’s really a bust and Robin’s really full of shit by saying not to worry about my schedule and other stuff), I awoke wheezing. It was the worst attack in quite a while which took an hour to fight off, even though I knew I wouldn’t need to go to the ER. In the end, I stopped breathing for a few minutes as my lungs were just sooo tired. Next thing I knew, I sprang up, coughed up a blob of shit and was fine. I was weak and exhausted, but I could breathe. Then I fell asleep for about 5 more hours.

SUNDAY, MAY 26, 1996 It’s been quiet so far today, but I wouldn��t be surprised if the little unruly monsters come out to play on their monkey bars any minute now.

I had cramps earlier, but Ibuprofen took care of that and I’ve been trying to keep busy when possible. I did laundry and de-dutied the patio.

Later…

All’s still peaceful and no assholes next door. They haven’t been around for most of the weekend. I think she was dropped off by someone yesterday evening, but they were out all day yesterday and today. Fine with me.

When my cramps settled down, I said to Tom, “I want to get pregnant next month instead of having to go to work.”

“Fine with me,” he said, but I know better. I know what I can and need to do, but why do I get the feeling he’s making little excuses to stop me? He said he wants me to get a job doing something I like, but that’s just a fantasy. Everyone hates their jobs, or else I’d have been doing what I like to do a long time ago. He said we should save the $2 it costs for a paper to get cigarettes with till next week and next week I should be more comfortable with my schedule. I’m sure his parents or David and Evie have the paper and I can’t keep using my schedule as an excuse to not do what’s right and what needs to be done. I can’t use that as an excuse any more than I can use my asthma or the ADD.

Tom told me that he knows in his mind that my parents feel bad about the funny farms, foster homes, etc. He feels that they felt they were doing the right thing at the time, only to regret it and that they’ll feel guilty about it all their lives and will always feel uncomfortable around me. He says they still care about me and love me, but they’re never gonna know how to interact with me that well or how to deal with me without feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Well, I know Mom’s expressed feelings about Brattleboro being a mistake, but do they really feel that guilty or sorry about the whole thing? No. I don’t think so, anyway. I also don’t think it was just a case of them feeling it was best to toss me away. I think they gave up on me and just didn’t want to deal with me, so they stuck me in other people’s hands. Mom’s made it a common practice since I was around 7 to get rid of me. First it was camps or other people’s houses and then all the places I was sent to when I became a ward of the state. They always expressed high opinions about Valleyhead, which of course, I felt was just about the worst place of them all, so if that’s changed, I don’t know. I think they weren’t too happy with the stops along the way to Valleyhead, like Brattleboro, the foster homes, and the state hospital, but once at Valleyhead, I think they were thrilled about it and I thought they still would be, but I could never know for sure what’s really in their minds about it and it’s done and over with, anyway.

I used to wish they would feel guilty about it all, but now that there’s a chance they might, I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, yeah, I felt they gave up on me and I’ll never forget those places and it’ll probably always affect me in different ways, but at the same time, maybe they didn’t know this and thought it’d help me. Also, once the quack shrinks, who are usually no better than street drug dealers, saw that my folks were never on my side, took that to their advantage and preyed on my parent’s trust in them and they drugged me up and labeled me crazy, and my parents, who trust doctors, believed them. So the shrinks are guilty, too, for brainwashing my parents and me and helping my parents to brainwash me.

SATURDAY, MAY 25, 1996 Well, now I know for sure just what a liar Robin really is and so much for asking God to help me do the right thing. Maybe God helped to make not having a kid easier to deal with, along with my chat with Tammy, but I can’t believe I’d ask him for help to do the right thing in life, just to have him throw that up in my face. I really, really don’t have a destiny, do I?

Robin said don’t worry about my schedule. Then why did I have to sleep 12 fucking hours and not get up till 12:30? I set my alarm and got up at 8:30, but I was just too damn tired. Tom says don’t worry, I’m supposed to have setbacks at first cuz it’s new so my body’s gonna try resisting it, but that it did help for longer than usual and it’ll still work out. I also got my period shortly after I woke up and Tom said that that’s a part of it, too.

So, what am I gonna do? Get a job and have to call out every two weeks or every month cuz of my schedule and period? God doesn’t want me to have a kid, but doesn’t he want me to do anything with my life? Can’t he just help me help myself even if it’s just a little bit? Why won’t he help me? Doesn’t he want me to work and bring in extra money? Or does he always want me to be a little disabled wimp who has to have her husband do it all while she stays at home on this erratic schedule? Again, I just wish I knew why he hates me so much and why I can’t get no help from him. I’ve put an honest effort into trying to help myself for the longest time, so obviously he doesn’t want me on a schedule and able to work, any more than he wants me to have a kid. I know what I can’t have and can’t be in this life, but I wish he’d help give me some other kind of a life. I’m just a waste product wanting the impossible and not being able to do anything but sit around and fail. I don’t want to be a failure and I agreed to not fight God’s wishes for me, so why can’t he help me get some kind of schedule and job going?

Did God send Robin into my life, telling her to be nice, then to turn on me? Or did I do something to piss Robin off to make her turn on me? And she also says don’t worry about anyone around here? Then why were the kids two houses down screaming their heads off yesterday morning and a little while ago? Those dogs of theirs obviously aren’t pets. They were bought for the sole purpose of acting like guard dogs, so they must be chained down in the opposite corner of the yard so they won’t attack the kids. I doubt they do daycare on weekends, so their own kids are getting older, which means they’ll be outside screaming up a storm more often when it’s not scorching hot. And here I was, always so glad that they never went out back. That sure has changed. Luckily, I can’t hear a damn thing inside, cuz the freeloader’s house blocks the sound from coming in here.

I’m just mad that I let myself take a fall again and suckered myself into believing the Melatonin was a cure-all and that our new position just might work. Yeah, right! No way in hell. Tom knows it and so do I. Why do I kid myself and let him do it too? I need to keep taking Tammy’s advice and get a life and get a job and fuck the sex life and the kid. They’re a joke, but the job I need to get isn’t, so I’ve got to look real hard and well in tomorrow’s paper.

Oh, this is just fucking great. I just saw the top of a kid’s head, since the monkey bars are just over the top of the block wall and the dogs are going off too, cuz of their fucking screaming and antics. God’s just gotta do something. If it isn’t across the street, if it isn’t next door, it’s something somewhere. What the fuck is he trying to tell me? Am I gonna have to listen to this shit whenever it’s not hot out? Is there to be no more peace in my own backyard anymore? Is my own backyard gonna sound like when the M’s kids would scream up a storm? Why can’t I just live in peace with only the sounds I or my husband create? I can’t even hear myself think out back and God would I either want to die or kill them and the dogs if they were right next door! I know for a fact that going over there and bitching about it won’t do a damn bit of good, since the anonymous dog complaint didn’t. So let me guess, every day from September to May and also on cooler summer days, they’ll be out there raising hell? Thanks, God. Thanks, a real lot.

I just want to find a job and have peace in my own backyard. Too much to ask for? So far it seems to be.

Later…

Tom’s over at Mary’s working on her computer. I was gonna go, too, but stood back in case it aggravated my cramps. He should be home soon and we’re hoping she gave him some good computer stuff or preferably money since we need that more, but who knows?

Tammy called earlier with computer questions. She and Tom talked. Later, I called Tammy and she was telling me how they had to shoot the rooster they had for going after Sarah. Guess they’re aggressive and territorial. Tammy said she was afraid of it, too, and that kicking it was like kicking a block of steel.

She says Mom and Dad only sent them $35 for their anniversary and no packages.

That’s it? I’m surprised as they usually send more. Tammy says Mom got Dad a nice diamond ring for his birthday and they’re probably broke now.

Yeah, right!

Tammy also says she was surprised to hear that Mom didn’t call me as she called her to thank her for the ring when Dad got back. Did she call Larry? Anyway, I don’t see why she should’ve called like Tammy said. She doesn’t need to call me.

Tom just called to see how I was, and I told him that I should be, but am not as doomed feeling or pissed as I may sound. I told him, though, that there’s no peace at all out back since they put up those monkey bars. Then he said, “We’ll have one of our own and compete.”

I said, “I wish,” even though I wanted to remind him that that’s impossible. I realize that just cuz I know a kid isn’t possible doesn’t mean I have a right to keep him from expressing what he believes. Time will prove me right, whether he knows it or not.

FRIDAY, MAY 24, 1996 Today I was rescued from the NHA 4 years ago. Like with Brattleboro and Valleyhead, it seems like centuries ago as well as yesterday. Most things kind of always feel that way, I guess.

The Melatonin may be a bust after all. I couldn’t fall asleep till around midnight, maybe later and I got up at 9:15. So unless I can back my schedule up, it will keep rotating around, but slower. I knew things were too good to be true and I wonder why I don’t feel our new position won’t work. I should feel it won’t work cuz I still say he’s either against a kid or has a physical problem.

Why do I feel and know he won’t cum this way? I felt and knew other things we tried wouldn’t work, so what makes me think this could be different? Maybe the reason I don’t feel what I should feel is that I’ve long come to accept and expect the obvious. It’s still been easier to deal with too, which I believe is due to my talk with Tammy and my praying for help with dealing with it and for help to do what’s right for me.

I picked the perfect day yesterday to straighten my hair since I won’t be swimming for a handful of days. It’s cooler now and it sort of feels like September.

Later…

I finished whiting out the backgrounds on all the pictures I could.

I can’t believe it’s late May out there. It feels like September or October. It’s overcast and slightly cool.

I took an old piece of plastic which I’ll use to cover the cushions on the bench swing. Those birds really messed up that thing!

Tom’s stopping by his parents’ place after work to mow their lawn so we won’t be so tied up this weekend, then he’s gonna grab some groceries on the way home. He says if I need to get a hold of him call him over there at his parents' place.

Later…

Chicken pigeon returned yesterday, but I haven’t seen him today.

I found it rather ironic that my horoscope said I’m in a “position” to help someone tremendously, so it’d be foolish not to. I just can’t imagine it. I just can’t imagine Tom getting off all of a sudden. I can’t imagine him ever getting off. I’m sure he would not lie and say he did, though. He tried that once and saw it didn’t work.

THURSDAY, MAY 23, 1996 Got up at 8:00. I’m sort of tired today and last night I needed two Melatonin to fall asleep.

They said it’s supposed to be very windy out today, but so far it’s just a bit breezy. It’s a little cooler, too.

We tried that position earlier for the first time in ages. All would’ve been well if I hadn’t curled my hips up. Tom said next time to keep my body straight like it is when we do our usual position.

Robin came to me last night, but first, Tom reminded me that I have taken two Melatonins once before. Anyway, Robin said she wouldn’t stay long as she knows I’m not too happy with her and that I believe she’s lying. She said not to be afraid to do this position and that it’ll work better than either of us ever thought and won’t take long to do so. She also says don’t worry about my schedule, next door or anyone else around here. Lastly, she still swears I’ll be pregnant by September.

Why is she doing this? What does she want from me?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 22, 1996 They’re home next door today. I wonder why and what they’re doing? Yesterday and today they’ve been watering their yard. I know their front door is open, cuz their front door is across from their side living room window that can be seen from the music room. So, when I look out, I can see straight through if their blinds are open and I can see their door open.

Later…

They left next door right after I typed my last entry.

My birds were hanging out on the wall that divides their driveway from the side of the house where I was looking out from the music room window. They were trying to get into the sides of the attic next door, but they couldn’t fit in through the strips of wood.

When I said I can hear the kids two yards down, it meant that I will, but haven’t yet. When it cools down, I expect to, but I hope I’m wrong.

On that show Law & Order, 1 captain, 4 cops, 1 DA and 1 assistant DA has left the show and now they’re gonna kill the 2nd assistant DA off in a car accident, so I guess that means she’s leaving and will be replaced with someone new. This will be the 8th person to leave the show.

I’ve got more to write about later, but right now, I want to go watch Little House on the Prairie.

Later…

I just ended up chatting with Andy for the last hour. I was telling him about the Melatonin and he was talking about Quinn and his new roommate Laura who he works with. I hope this new roommate of his works out since she’s a tweaker. He says she’s been helpful and responsible, and I hope she stays that way and that it works out. He says he’d like to have her around for about 6 months, even though he prefers to live alone, so he can get out of debt.

As I was checking to see if I had any email, I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if Dad left a message while he was there? Dad’s on his way back now. Anyhow, he did leave me a message saying:

Hi shorty, it’s your favorite dad visiting his favorite daughter. Hope you and Tom are both well. The weather is nice and comfortable here. Heading back to Florida Wednesday morning, Tammy picked up mom’s ring and I will be bringing that and the card back to mom. You and Tom stay well and cool.

Love Daddy O.

P.S. Tone down your four-letter words on AOL because of your nieces who also use this computer.

I had to laugh when he said what he said about the 4 letter words since Tammy swears like a truck driver. Also, I had no idea that the kids read my messages. Tammy says they’re not supposed to, but that Dad was right there when she was trying to reply to one of my messages and she hit the wrong button. She was describing one of the two mistakes I’ve made myself a few times.

I also told Tammy about the Melatonin and will tell my folks, too.

I haven’t seen Chicken Pigeon in almost a week now. Tom says he thinks he met someone and is nesting with her, but will be back someday. He said don’t be surprised if Measles disappears for a while, too. Measles is a female, though, and Tom said she was being hit on. All the male birds always hit on the female birds.

Now, as for last night - I realize I should not get my hopes up. I know that Tom’s suggested lots of other things that he said he was sure would help him and they didn’t. I know he could still have a physical problem or that he could still be playing with me. I’m not the only one that can act and seem believable, so I know there’s a chance that he could be knowingly and intentionally just playing with my head, waiting to get a kick out of my seeing the joke was on me when he never cums. He still could be lying about wanting a kid and God could still be determined to see that I never have a kid.

Later…

I could punch myself right now! Why do I always have to be so stupid and ruin things when they’re going so well? Tom and I were lying in bed, ready to experiment with that position when I said he needed to change shampoos cuz his hair had that medicated smell. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I should’ve known better that he’s still a more sensitive guy than usual.

Then my mind started flying with thoughts like, that position would never work. Other things he suggested didn’t, so why should this work? Don’t kid yourself or set yourself up to fall yet again.

Then I realized that whether he cums or not, I have a goal of my own which I’d like to try to accomplish while enjoying something new. I’d rather try it and have neither of us cum, than never try it and always wonder if either of us could’ve and would’ve.

Anyway, we talked it out and it’s over. Tom says neither of us should blame me, but I still feel it was my fault. I should think harder before speaking as the last thing I want to do is hurt, upset, or annoy Tom and he knows this.

TUESDAY, MAY 21, 1996 Got up at 8:00 today.

I’ve got 15 more pictures to white out backgrounds on, so I’m gonna go get started.

Later…

Oh great. They’re putting up monkey bars two yards down. Now I can hear those kids more often. Why would they suddenly play in back? They used to hang out in front like most people here do.

Anyway, Tom and I just went swimming and now he’s doing computer work.

Later…

Tom just explained something to me that just made perfect sense to me and not only did it make sense, but I believed him. I believed him.

Well, first of all, his favorite position is to be on top. This is understandable as my favorite position is on my back. He also explained to me and showed me how the top part of the head of his dick is most sensitive and doesn’t get the needed friction in our usual position. He lay on top of me and showed me how he prefers to lay and it didn’t hurt at all or make it hard for me to breathe.

He says this will eliminate 90% of our past sexual difficulties. Or did he say it’d help 90%? Whatever.

Another thing is that he’s not the only one challenged with doing something new (or something he hasn’t done in a while). I have a new challenge and goal myself. I’ve never cum with a dick in me before without my fingering my clit and I hope to. If not, I still enjoy his dick no matter what and can cum by his tongue or fingers. What he said about that sensitive spot on his dick makes sense cuz it’s like that with clits, too.

He said I may not have the kid the first time cuz miscarriages are common for all women, let alone DES daughters.

True. Very true.

Well, I’m gonna try really hard at our goals and try not to give up, no matter how long it takes and I’ve got to try not to put too much pressure on him. Talking about something you want is one thing, but I must remember to support the guy in a soothing, loving, and non-pressuresome way.

I hope the DES hasn’t got me good and I know there are pressures in life, but I think we can be much more relaxed. Maybe there is hope after all and maybe it just wasn’t our time up to now. Good things really are worth waiting for.

Neither of us can buy or not buy what Robin said, but with her being right on everything else, the Melatonin and his being able to be on top without crushing me, it does make me wonder here and there.

MONDAY, MAY 20, 1996 Not much else happened last night.

As soon as I told Tom I was sexually content, but would be happy to take care of him, he lost interest. Pleasing me really makes him happy and is all that matters to him. Why aren’t I flattered? I should be.

My wonderful drawing luck has been compensated when I tried doing more people. Better run back to flowers and animals for a while.

Last night I took a Mel. I slept from around 11:00 – 6:00. So far, so good, and tonight will make 5 nights of sleeping at night. Last night was the first night in quite a while where I didn’t wake up having to pee. I’m able to go back to sleep, though, when I do get up to pee.

If this 10-year-long depressing, frustrating sleeping schedule truly is over - what a miracle! A sign of some big deal job or that college is on for September? Maybe. Otherwise, why wasn’t there help with this problem a long time ago? What a shock, though. I’d have bet my life on never being able to solve or fix my schedule problem. If only I could be made to eat my words yet again and get pregnant! One of my biggest fears about it has just been dealt with and taken care of. It would take my getting pregnant to be an optimist, but I know better. It’s impossible with Tom, the DES and God. If an outer source influenced Tom hearing about and getting the Melatonin and me taking it for the help I needed from it, I wonder who it is. God? Robin? Something or someone else?

I think I finally figured something out. I asked myself how I knew I couldn’t be wrong about feeling and believing I’ll never have a kid like I ended up being wrong about getting here and marrying. It’s a woman’s intuition. Women’s intuition doesn’t apply to moving or marrying in the way that it applies to having a kid. That’s how I know for sure with no doubt that I’ll never have a kid.

Well, I think I’ll go read the romance book I’m reading.

Later…

I got a boring letter from Bob with a few boring drawings that weren’t too impressive. He can do better.

He also sent me a picture of his 101-year-old dad who recently died and his 2 sisters. His dad’s 2 sisters, not his, I think. One of the sisters and Bob haven’t seen or spoken to each other in 40 years. I wonder why?

I was so pissed cuz the pretty floral lounge chair we got last spring ripped. I nearly fell through. Now I have to sit on the grass on a towel, but that way is easier to lay on my back and stomach and get a more thorough tan.

I’ve got good color now. Not great color, but I’m not ghostly white.

I changed and added words to Bob’s letter and I’ll send it to Kim in my next letter to her.

Later…

Tom’s going through his mail now.

It’s too early for sex, but I’m not really in the mood for it, so I doubt he will be.

We played cards earlier and now I’m just killing time till a movie I want to see goes on. Perhaps I’ll go draw or write. I have a list of drawings I want to do black and white duplicates of in my sketchbook.

SUNDAY, MAY 19, 1996 Last night I slept from 11:00 – 7:00 and I didn’t need Melatonin.

Tammy did get Ma’s card. So much for Larry or Tammy calling me to let me know they got it like they said they would.

Tom worked on the car, mowed and de-dutied the patio. I did laundry and a few other things.

I’m gonna listen to music while he showers. Then he’ll go down on me before we go see his parents. When we return, we’ll probably go swimming, and then we’ll screw so he can have today’s hard-on.

Later…

I love this time of year. It’s so quiet and peaceful, yet scorching hot. If it were winter now, I’d hear those dogs much more often and who knows what kids would be playing ball next door.

They’ve still been quiet next door. They haven’t been around since yesterday. They were pulling out as we were pulling in after bombing.

We were at Mom and Dad’s earlier and then Tom dropped me off and returned to do some work for them after stopping at Radio Shack.

He got in a short while ago and we probably won’t go swimming later. I’ve had my share of the sun and the pool for today.

I brought my sketchbook to Mom and Dad’s and showed them what I’ve done so far.

Later…

Tom has some good news but says it’s not definite. Ma mentioned paying someone to mow when they needed it. She said she’d pay them $20. Then Tom jokingly said, “If you’re gonna pay that much, I’ll do it and Jodi can vacuum and help with the housecleaning.”

Tom says he’ll stand by any decision I make, but he doesn’t think my working is gonna be all that helpful to him and he’s not sure working is what’s best for me. It’s the only other choice I’ll ever have in life, next to staying home all the time and watching Tom struggle all by himself. Isn’t it fair that I do my share of bringing in income? I could still work part-time and take care of the house and help his folks.

This Sunday, or next Sunday, we’re gonna look at the ads. Toms says they have mail-in applications.

Really? How cool. How convenient, too.

Tom says he wants me to keep an open mind as far as what I do for work and to be selective. Well, I can’t be too selective with no special training or experience, so I’ll do my best. A cashier or a housekeeper is pretty much as good as I can get.

I asked Tom why he was so eager to get me to see my parents in a year or two and he said cuz I talk about it a lot, it must be important to me. But I talked a lot about a kid, yet he didn’t seem so eager about that and going to a doctor and doing whatever it took for that, did he?

Anyway, most people hate their jobs and earn shitty money, but we all gotta do what we gotta do to survive, but hopefully I can find a job that’s at least OK.

I think I’ll go listen to music and maybe read or draw. It’s too early for Tom to participate in sex. He usually goes to bed around 8:00, so at 7:00 is probably when we’ll screw.

He gets up at 4:30, but at that time he only wants to watch TV or work on the computer.

SATURDAY, MAY 18, 1996 These number stickers are from a kid’s meal I had gotten. It goes to a calendar, but I didn’t want to use it. There are 21 other stickers, too, like this. The rest I just threw on the front cover of my next paper journal.

I’m not gonna have enough room in here for all my updating but let’s just say that Tom’s admitted he doesn’t think we’ll need to see a doctor in April and no, he doesn’t want to, but he agreed to. He says part of life and being mature and grown-up means doing things you don’t want to do, but he swears he still wants a kid.

Whatever.

The Melatonin looks promising, but being the pessimist I am, I’d be more convinced in another week or two as to how helpful it really is. I did manage to crash at around 11 PM and I got up at 5:45.

The sticker, by the way, in front of this book is pretty neat. It changes temperature and colors. I mean, it changes when made cold to a deep purple, and then to pink when warmer.

Anyway, we left just after 6:30 and we were out for nearly two hours. We went to get cash, then breakfast at a drive-through. We ate in the car and of course, we had Piggy with us. Piggles is great during car rides. Very comfortable and even spunky.

After eating, we checked out the hours of two different art stores and stopped at Walmart. We got Piggy a new bail of sawdust and 4 of my favorite pens. I got blue, green, red and black and in the next book, I’ll change colors every day.

Well, I’m out of room here, so I’ll pick up on the rest of what Tom and I did in my next book. Bye!

Later…

Throughout this book, you’ll see mini stamps here and there. My original plan was to use another set of different colored markers to do different sections. However, they skip like hell which I get sick of. I may either put mini stamps by the sides of the entry dates in here or I may highlight them in green since I used yellow, blue and pink in my last 3 books. Or maybe I just won’t bother, since I plan on switching colors daily. The next time I run out of pens, I want to go back to the art store I was at today and get a purple Precise pen, which is the brand I’m using now and 3 Le Pens. In terracotta, maroon and sky blue.

Now I’ll finish with what we’ve done so far.

When we returned, we aired the place out and I straightened up and washed stuff while Tom did Piggy’s cage. He also sanded and fixed the screen on the front screen door.

Then we went back out and got some candy and I got Tammy and Bill’s anniversary card and dad’s Father’s Day card. I also got a new journal.

At the art store, there were some beautiful journals, but they were $7. The one I got was $3 and that’s a better deal when you really have no extra money.

At the art store, I also got drawing stumps (for smudging and blending) and a really cool eraser. It was a refill that goes into a pen holder (the eraser’s long and skinny) and you sharpen it like a pencil. I just got the long skinny eraser, figuring it’d be much easier for me to work with.

Then we came home, Tom licked my pussy and now he’s at the racetrack hoping to win money to buy software he’s dying for. When he comes home, we may go for a swim and play around a little more.

Later…

I’m actually a bit tired now, but Tom says that’s how I should feel. The body should naturally feel tired after sleeping too little the previous night. Not all revved up as mine would normally feel.

I got something in the mail today that I’d forgotten all about. I got it through a commercial I’d seen as a free trial offer. A wine glass and 4 Silhouette Romance novels. Romance novels aren’t my favorites, but I can deal with them occasionally. I don’t drink wine, but the wine glass is pretty.

Tom won $60 bucks at the racetrack and got the software he wanted. I’m glad for him.

We went swimming earlier and he cooked us bacon and eggs.

FRIDAY, MAY 17, 1996 Last night I took the Melatonin for the first time. For the third time in a row, I had been up for 18 hours and had only slept 6 hours. I took it and fell asleep an hour later at 7:00 PM. Then I awoke at 2:30 wheezing. So I settled that down, took another one and conked out till 7:00. I only woke up for a few seconds at 4:30. I finally got all caught up on my sleep. It’s too soon, though, to tell if it’ll keep me on a schedule.

I typed letters to Larry and my parents and later or tomorrow I’ll do one for Bob and Kim.

Later…

I just took a break to sing for the second time today.

Maybe birds really are psychic like I heard some people think. I was sitting there thinking that I hadn’t seen Chicken Pigeon, but then I remembered how he usually shows up at sunup and towards the end of the day. But then I thought to myself - where’s Measles? He should be here now. Then, just as if he knew what I was thinking, he came flying in. I fed him some seed right away out of the cup and the other birds know he’s one of my favorites and they each flew up on the table by my chair where Measles was eating from the cup and nudged my hand as if to say, “Hey! What about us?”

I guess they do nest in palm trees and not buildings like Tom and I thought, cuz I’ve seen them take twigs up into the palm trees across the street.

One of them did something so funny the other day. My cigarette bucket and their food bucket were about 3 inches apart from each other on the table, when I slowly, without looking, went to flick my ash. I then noticed one backing up in between the 2 buckets and he was stuck and had no room to open his wings and he wasn’t about to walk forward into my cigarette. So I quickly pulled it away and he bounced off my lap and off of other birds’ backs.

I hope to hell those bee things we ordered today work. I can’t picture myself ever getting over my fear of bees on my own, any more than I can picture Tom cumming. It just isn’t us. Never has been, never will be.

If Tom really never has ever experienced an orgasm, like I wonder, I feel so sorry for him. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. It’s the best feeling in life that the human body can feel, in my opinion.

If it’s a case of a physical problem that Tom knew he always had, I wonder if he decided to lie about it cuz he felt that that was the best thing he could tell me. Maybe he did always know he lied about it like I mostly always thought, but felt that he was truly doing the right thing and maybe he never thought it’d hurt me and now he feels like he’s in it way too deep to admit it or maybe he’s really gotten himself to believe what he says. I’ll never know. But my journal is my place to wonder, to dream, to analyze, to fantasize and so very much more.

Just think, though, an impotent guy with an infertile woman. How cute. Maybe God sent me a guy like Tom as a payback for cutting guys down which God so very much favors over women, despite my DES.

I dumped the vibrator this morning. Tom got batteries, but the day before I had a vibe that it was broken. I told Tom that I’d try it out, but that if it didn’t work, I’d say it wasn’t meant to be and dump it. So, Tom said he didn’t buy as many batteries as he was gonna till I saw if my vibe was right. It was, and I guess that’s just part of God’s “faulty” sexual stuff that applies to me and those I know.

Tom did it again last night and this morning. Last night he said he’s gonna make sure I get to see my folks within the next year or two and I think I can really believe that. Then today he said he’s trying to get out of the next 3 house payments and have them stuck on the end of our payments so we can catch up. He says this has caused him to change some plans of ours. I said to let me know what they were when he could and he said, “Not anything major like that.” I know that he means the kid and I started to get angry at his confusing contradictions, but then I realized, I know the truth, I don’t need to get angry. I know we can’t go to Florida in a year or two and have me get pregnant by September or anytime during that year or two. If a kid had been meant for us and if we were gonna go for sure within the next year or two, we’d have to go first and make the kid after.

I can’t believe we didn’t get one piece of mail today. What a rare occasion for us.

Remember how I said I sent away for 6 books? Well, I guess they are gonna be sending them cuz they sent a card yesterday saying they were out of stock of one of them. When and if I’ll get any for sure; we’ll have to see.

I’m looking forward to getting out of here this weekend, but I can’t wait till we have extra spending money just to have fun with. I guess we’re still a long way away from that, but it’s nice to sit and fantasize about us each having a few hundred bucks to go blow in the mall or wherever.

Later…

Tom wants sex today. Oh, brother. I’m not even in the mood. He’s waiting till he’s close to going to bed, as usual. You can that any more eager on his part?

I’m watching a movie right now. It’s pretty good. It’s called Malicious. It’s about a girl who’s obsessed with a guy who’s spoken for.

Right before Tom went to bed, or about a half-hour before he went to bed, he and I lay in bed chatting. I told him I wasn’t horny at the moment and I offered just to do him, but he doesn’t like that, even though he sometimes pretends to and denies that all he wants to do is please only me.

Boy, this is a good movie. She broke into his house, then she drugged him so she could fuck him.

At 10:00 I’m gonna take a Melatonin and then again at 11:00 and then go to bed. Tom’s gonna spray out back around the patio area at sunup, then he’s gonna wake me up at 6:00. At 6:30 we’re gonna bomb and leave for two hours. We’re gonna go out to Jack-n-the-Box for breakfast and cruise around till we return. Then at 10:30, or so, we’ll go to the art store and a pet shop to get new sawdust for Piggy. Around noon, Tom and his parents are gonna go to the racetrack.

Later…

I just took a Melatonin and am gonna crash in an hour or two. I don’t know if I’ll take another pill before bed. If I don’t sleep much, fine. I slept a long time last night. Melatonin is a type of vitamin. It says you can take it as a dietary supplement.

THURSDAY, MAY 16, 1996 I haven’t been writing consistently cuz my mind was just so overwhelmed. I wish my talk with Tammy was recorded and I wish my thoughts were, too. Every time I think of something I want to write, it’s not always convenient for me to write a note about it. I’ll just have to try my best to remember stuff from here.

Once again, Tammy’s basically saying that I should love Tom unconditionally whether or not he’s lied, or can or can’t admit what his problem is or whether he wants help or not. I guess what I need to do is continue to not feel hurt or angry or that he lied to me, cuz of the DES as the bottom line, anyway. I should remember that while I shouldn’t call him a liar, I shouldn’t take the things he says or promises too literally, either. People make small talk, people contradict themselves and each other, people say things that they don’t mean literally and that’s just life.

I wrote Tom a little note that I was gonna work really hard at supporting him, doing for him, loving him, and allowing him to do what he feels best for him and that I’d stop trying to change him. He seems pleased that I’ve finally come to not take him so literally and that I’ve agreed to let him be as he is.

I don’t think I’ll ever be so angry at him again about this since it’s God’s doing and the DES’s doing. At least I hope the anger and depression are gone. I mean, it isn’t gone and it may never be gone, but hopefully it’ll stay dormant where it’s easier to deal with. I hope I really can be looking forward to the end of feeling like I’m gonna die over it. I want so much to be happy. I hate feeling miserable and depressed and like I said, I miss how much happier I was when I first got here, but I don’t miss that life.

I believe Tom when he says he’s never gonna give me a confession. I think he’s just gonna continue not to do anything towards having a kid, but I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure if he’s lying or not or if he can and will be helped or not. I think all I can do is have theories about it for the rest of my life. Perhaps he knew all along that he’s really got a physical problem, but never had the heart to tell me and I don’t think impotence can be cured. Whatever the case, maybe he is rather embarrassed about it and I know he’s a sensitive guy.

At least he seems to know now, that he can cum or not cum and that whatever he chooses to do that makes him happy is what matters. We all have to give up things for our loved ones and if giving up the hopes of him cumming and us having a kid is what it’s gonna take to make him happy, then so be it. Even if the DES didn’t make me infertile, I had no right to try to change him and make him cum and it’s my fault that I took his promise so literally. I wouldn’t believe someone who said I had purple hair and green skin and was tall, but I should’ve known him better from the get-go.

Tom’s gonna take a couple of sick days off from work so he can take me to put in job applications and I’m also working really hard on the drawing. I can’t believe I’ve done 5 pretty decent face drawings in the last few days. I hope this luck isn’t compensated. Tom says he doesn’t think it’s luck anymore, but that I’m improving. I hope so and I think so, too.

I wonder if Tom knows I’ve told Andy and Tammy about us? He made a point to tell me to be careful what I say cuz he doesn’t want to be made out to sound like a wife-beater or something he’s not. When he said this, I wondered. If he knows, he either bugged the phone or read my journals, but I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. After he threw that fit over my calling that nurse, he said it didn’t matter who I spoke to and Andy, Tammy and Kim can be trusted. They’re not gonna discuss it with anyone and if they did, it’d be with those who Tom and I don’t know. When we agreed on April of ‘97, I thought he meant that he didn’t want either of us to speak to a doctor about it in person till April of ‘97.

Since I can’t remember anything else that I had thought of to write in here and since I can’t remember every single thing Tammy and I said, I’m gonna leave it at this. I covered more than the highlights, anyway.

From here on out I’ll be basically working on trying to find myself and get a job going and get a life and make something practical and realistic out of myself. I’ll work on not taking Tom too seriously and literally, but not always insist that he’s a liar. I’ll definitely work on forgetting that kid. Maybe in the next life or in heaven, if such things exist.

I always knew a kid wasn’t to be for me and I’ve always accepted this, but if I have anything nice to say about God, it’s that I believe he’s helped me to deal with it and I believe he sent Tammy to help me put a closure to this kid issue and to deal with it better. I also believe that along with Tammy as my sign to get on the right track in life, he sent the Melatonin to me and helped me improve my drawing. I haven’t taken the Melatonin yet and I don’t know if it’ll help, but we’ll see.

I’m still so sorry for taking Tom literally and I’m sorry I misunderstood him when he said he wanted a kid. I believe he’s like an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t always know when they’re drinking and doing certain things and they don’t always know they’ve got a problem and what they’re saying. Just like an alcoholic may keep saying they don’t have a problem, Tom kept saying he wanted a kid, and I as his wife should’ve seen through that and should’ve seen what he really wanted and not misunderstood him.

Here’s that poem Tom wanted me to write. It’s about how I perceive life and people in a very brief way.

Truth or Lies?

People may contradict themselves and each other. People may lie or tell the truth to each other. How much do people really mean what they say? You may not find that out today. How much do people really want what they say? Only time will show us that. Who are those that really love us? It’s those that really show us that. It’s up to us to weed out the truth, And in time we’ll all know the truth.

Now I’m gonna keep this journal right by me so that I can write stuff down as I think of them during the course of the day.

Later…

I prayed again to God the other night and told him that I knew that this kid thing becoming easier and easier to deal with means that I’m closer to having a new issue to replace it. I told God - fine. Go for it. He can give me something new cuz the kid issue was just so old and miserable that I’m well overdue for something new for a change to have to deal with.

Later…

I just talked to Andy and filled him in on my chat with Tammy and he told me a few things. He and the Fireflies, his fantasy life as a touring worldwide singer, are going on tour soon for about 14 months. He’s been living out this fantasy for over 10 years and I play along with him as do others. He’s in a band with 2 or 3 others just like Fleetwood Mac and they mostly do alternative stuff and some rock stuff. Tom and I will be joining him for the first week in California. I told him I’d go with him to Hawaii and maybe some Spanish-speaking country as well as England so I could hear my favorite accent spoken.

Someone’s over next door doing yard work, but they’ve been quiet, so that’s good. It looks like they’ve hired someone to do their yard work. I’ve seen the same orange pickup truck out there once or twice before. The truck has lawnmowers and shit like that in it and I couldn’t see any writing on the truck, so it may be someone that they know. I hope they do yard work just cuz it needs to be done and not cuz they’re gonna have some huge party or live outdoors. Now would be a hell of a time for that, though, since it’s so hot. In fact, I’ll probably go swimming in a couple of hours.

I also called upon Robin one last time and told her that she, as a spirit, had no right or reason to lie to me. Spirits should be the last ones in this world to be liars and I told her that I’ll miss her and I appreciate her being right about next door, but that the last thing I need is her around telling me I’ll be pregnant by September when I know the truth and need to get on with my life. I’m making a very serious effort to not take Tom so literally and not be so quick to call him a liar and to stop fighting fate and to do the right thing and try to work for the rest of my life, so I don’t need this shit. She listened to what I had to say, said quickly that she wasn’t lying, and then quickly left. Good riddance. I suppose I’ll never know why she lied to me any more than I’ll know for sure what the scoop is with Tom. Well, God wants us all to have theories and dreams, or else he’d give us all we want in life and have us all know the answers to everything. Life definitely is about dreaming and guessing and playing detective as we weed out and learn what people really mean when they talk, as well as helping and doing for others while we love them and accept them as they are and not try to change them. Most of us may not live up to these rules and expectations, but I sure do intend to try harder than ever.

This morning Tom said that he felt like I wasn’t being very affectionate and that I was trying to avoid him. I’m not trying to avoid him, but I’m not ready to have sex again. I told him that if that’s what he wants, OK. However, I had thought it best to just be buddies for a while and build the relationship up before taking a chance on having sex complicating things. I told him I’ll go along with whatever he wants cuz I don’t want to neglect him or not give him what he wants or needs.

On Saturday we might be going to a tag sale in Paradise Valley. It’s a friend of Eileen’s that’s having it and if Eileen’s there; Tom may get free computer stuff. He doesn’t know if she’s gonna be there. Sorry, I forgot, it’s called a yard sale out here.

Sometime this weekend we’re also gonna get me new erasers and a stumper. The stumper is used for blending and shading sketches.

I’ve also got to get Tammy and Bill a card for their 10th anniversary that’s on the 25th.

We’ll also be seeing his parents too.

Tomorrow we’re finally sending away for those bee things. I hope to hell it works so I can go swimming during the day without fear. It’s supposed to send off sounds that humans can’t hear, but that’s supposed to drive bees and other insects crazy and keep them away.

Tom also picked up bombs so we can be free of spiders for 3 or 4 months.

I spoke to Kim yesterday. Neither of us has heard from Bob in a few days, but we don’t mind the break at all.

Kim isn’t seeing Doug anymore. She didn’t really get into why, but I guess they couldn’t communicate too well themselves.

Later…

I called Tammy and according to her, she hasn’t gotten the card I made up for Ma yet. She said maybe Larry gave it to dad. I hope so. I called Larry’s house and they finally have an answering machine. I left him a message about it.

TUESDAY, MAY 14, 1996 Between the conversation I had with Tom yesterday and the conversation I had with Tammy yesterday, my mind is overloaded with words, so now I’ll scan through my brain and remember as much as I can.

First Tom and I were talking and he was bringing up how I was so dead-set within my own mind about the fact that he’s deliberately not cumming and that he really doesn’t want a kid. Then he says we’re not communicating, but I find it awfully hard for someone who says, “I know I won’t want a divorce in the future,” and “I don’t know what the future holds or what I’ll feel or do,” to always be understandable. He said, “Here are some hypothetical ideas. Why can’t you accept that you might feel - OK, I won’t let him know this, but I’ll give up on him and maybe he’ll be right or maybe I’ll be right about the kid. Or just say - OK, he was wrong and I was right about the kid, but it’s just a little flaw of his. I still love him anyway.”

A little flaw? Yes, I still may love him anyway, but how can he call that a little flaw? How can Tammy? They make it sound like they might as well say to women, “If your man beats you and if you won’t fight back, just tell yourself it’s a little flaw he’s got and love him unconditionally and be supportive and understanding of his problem, whether he knows he’s got one or not and whether he’ll admit it or not.”

Anyway, I think I’ve gotten my sign from God that I asked him for to help put me on the track in life he wants me to be on. It’s a few different signs that all add up.

When I talked to Tammy yesterday, she really did get my mind to open up to other possibilities for the first time since the beginning of my relationship with Tom. The only thing she suggested that I don’t agree with is how she said that Tom really has a problem and that he can’t admit it as a male, it’s hard for a male to do and I should just get over it and love him unconditionally. So I should forgive him for promising us a kid while he has this problem that he may not ever want to admit or take care of all cuz it’s hard for a male to admit or do anything about such problems? She makes it sound like just cuz he’s a male and just cuz he has a problem it was OK for him to lie to me. Or just cuz he may have a genuine physical problem that he may or may not admit or want to fix and just cuz he’s a male, it’s OK for him to promise something that I really wanted?

As far as the signs go, here’s what I think they are and what they mean. His mom said she was really impressed with the Melatonin. She said she slept longer and better and didn’t wake up feeling hungover or like she took anything. So that could be a sign saying - you need to work cuz you aren’t ever having a kid, so take this cuz you need it to keep a schedule so that you can work. I also think Tammy was a big help to me in realizing all the more that I need to work.

She told me that the cancer has left Bill impotent and that he gets hard and soft, but can’t cum. She told me that she’s certain that Tom has a genuine problem and that he may never admit it and she doesn’t know if any doctor could ever get him to admit it or if a doctor could help him. I still think the bulk of me may always believe that he’s lying more so, but Tammy really drove it into me the fact that it’s cruel of me to judge him so harshly, not take him at face value and not be supportive and understanding of him and love him unconditionally when he’s accepted me for the way I am.

Maybe, just maybe, he is telling the truth and can’t admit that he has a physical problem and due to my being so caught up in my feeling he’s a liar, which he still very well may be, I keep forgetting the bottom line. I’m a DES daughter, my instinct and vibes say a kid isn’t meant to be, a kid is wrong for me, God won’t allow me a kid me, so does it really matter whether or not Tom’s lying? Does it really matter whether or not Tom will admit it and want to get help?

Half the people I’ve talked to believe what Tom believes. That it’s virtually impossible to conceive unless the guy cums in there cuz a few sperm aren’t likely to make it up there and that’s why there are millions. The other half says what Tammy says. She said if he really was afraid of me getting pregnant, he’d use birth control, cuz the pre-cum could get me pregnant and that someone who’s been fucking without protection for this long has an excellent chance of being sterile.

She also did say that if I stop calling him a liar and see if he opens up to me and wait to see what happens next April, maybe I’ll see if it’s meant to be or not. She said if it is meant to be, it’ll be.

The two things I’m most sorry for are that I really realize that he could just not be lying after all and if that’s true, I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself. The other thing is, there’s no way in hell I can or will ever have a kid no matter what the real case is and I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure what the real case is. I’ll never know for sure if he’s lying or not and he swears he’ll never confess he lied to me, cuz he didn’t. Well, like I said, whether he’s lying or not or has a physical problem, I’ll probably never know.

I just wish guys weren’t so fucked up sexually. They either rape or only think below the belt all the time or they have problems they can’t deal with or won’t deal with and they end up lying to their women about it and making false promises as if they told a little white lie.

Tammy’s right, though, when she says forget about the kid, and remember that if it’s meant to be then it will be, and maybe someday we can adopt. Well, I don’t see either of us wanting to adopt and it’s certainly not to be.

When I look back, I guess I can see almost as many signs that said he’s got a physical problem, but I think I’ll always mainly believe what I said I’d probably mainly believe. I just wish I kept my mind open all along to other possibilities about Tom, however slight, and not been so angry at him when the real source of my never having a kid is the DES and God.

Yes, this wake-up call from Tammy and the possibilities of the Melatonin must be my sign from God telling me to work. I still don’t know where, what or when, but I’m sure I’ll be working soon enough.

Tammy said with confidence that destiny will come, but I think I’ve already lived it. I think things are meant to be as they are for me and I’ve reached my peak.

When Tammy was talking about unconditional love, she told me that Bill cheated on her when she was 7 months pregnant with Sarah and that she was hurt, angry and didn’t trust him for a while, but through communication, they worked it out and built their relationship back up.

She told me that about 9 years ago she’d get moody for no reason and everyone accused her of being a bitch and for deliberately acting that way, but she knew she had an honest problem. Lots of people have that just like the ADD. I’ve got and lots of people just don’t understand us or give a damn.

Tammy said I should get tested, but I don’t want to bother. I’m still sure in my mind that I’m sterile and whether I am or not doesn’t matter unless Tom ever does cum and then we’ll find out anyhow.

I also realized that I’ve been practicing what I preach. Now, it’s easy for me to say that his lies and procrastination are bigger, but lies and procrastination are just that. I promised to try more often to cut down on smoking and to smoke outside and I haven’t been. I said I’d decorate his monthly work calendar. It’s now halfway through the month and I just did it. No, I’m not perfect either.

MONDAY, MAY 13, 1996 Well, Tom’s dad is 84 today. I hope his birthday isn’t too miserable in spite of his condition.

Last night when I talked to Andy, he threw out some other ideas, suggestions and possibilities, but in the end, we were both still sure it’s a case of just what I know it’s a case of. He’s too scared to cum cuz he doesn’t want a kid and he doesn’t have the guts to tell me for fear of my reaction. It isn’t just fear of my reaction, but it’s also something he couldn’t enjoy playing with my head about anymore if he confessed. Maybe after 5 more years, he’ll have played this game enough, it’ll get old with him, and then he’ll be less afraid to tell me the truth. It’d be pure fantasy to wish him to have a kid with me, so realistically, I wish he’d just fess up. I pleaded with God earlier to please make him tell the truth, but all I sensed was anger and at the same time, I could see God laughing at me.

Andy told me a long time ago that he had sex with a girl once in his teens. He said that if he were afraid to make a kid, he wouldn’t be able to get hard and that’s what that nurse I talked to said was the case with her boyfriend till he let go once, got her pregnant and split. But Andy did get hard enough to go in her. I know he didn’t cum and that he was nervous about it cuz he didn’t want a kid, but he still got in there for a few minutes.

Remember how I asked if it was a coincidence that Tom and I each have abnormal things about us that the other has never heard about? I wonder if Andy and I are a coincidence. Not only are we both dealing with a serious issue that has us miserable, but we seem to both have reversed sides on some issues. Meaning, that until a few years ago, Andy never wanted a relationship, but there were offers from those that weren’t exactly second best. Now that he does want a relationship, he can’t even find that. Not with the right person, anyway. Then there’s my case. Everyone else I was with before meeting Tom, I wished could be one-sided sexually. I wished they’d just take care of me and me only cuz it was boring and a real drag for me to take care of them. Now I’ve got someone that I’d love to take care of whether or not I wanted a kid and he won’t let me. Well, he fakes it. We just pretend I’m taking care of him when in fact all I’m doing is exciting him so he can relieve himself later.

It’s just a no-win situation. I can’t have a kid, but I can’t make myself not want one, as wrong as it would be. I don’t want to be alone again, yet I don’t want to be with a liar.

Then Andy went on to tell me a story that even weirder than Tom is and Tom’s as weird as you can get.

Michelle has a 20-year-old friend who’s a really beautiful girl, from what they say and she was brave enough and honest enough to tell them that she’s not a virgin, but has never been stimulated, let alone able to cum. She can’t get excited or turned on by others and she can’t excite her own self or bring her own self to cum. Now that’s weird! This is someone who I’d say really does have a real, serious physical problem. So this brought Andy to wonder if Tom’s really ever had an orgasm and if he’s in denial about never being able to cum in his whole life, but no way. Then how could he get hard? If it were physical, he’d never be able to even get hard in the first place. Another reason why Andy had a moment where he thought it was a real, legit, physical problem was cuz it just didn’t make sense to him and he said, “I don’t see how he could not cum. I mean, eventually he’d have to cum. This isn’t something you can control. I know I’ve mentioned how guys hold back for a while, but eventually you do have to cum.” Well, Tom can hold back at all times and Tom doesn’t need to cum cuz he’s too afraid to.

Andy took the words right out of my mouth when he said that if Tom can lie about this, he could lie about anything. Yup, he could.

His reaction was also just what mine was and he said the same thing when I told him that Tom said that not talking about it for two weeks would be his cure-all to not cumming.

Yeah, right!

Andy agrees that if he’s been this way since we’ve been together, then it’s permanent.

The only thing that doesn’t go or make sense is that Tom’s otherwise overall character doesn’t go with telling such a lie like this. Scott M, my parents and others I’ve known would, so that’s why I think it’s a case of love and hate.

Andy suggested that maybe he never really wanted a wife and kid, but just a buddy. Someone to take care of and someone to take care of him. Other than my sexual needs and maternal instincts, he takes care of me, but he doesn’t need me to take care of him. If I dropped out of the picture right now, he’d be just fine. He has a car which he can drive and a job. He’d save more money if he was alone and he doesn’t need me to cook for him and he doesn’t need any of my stuff and he doesn’t need his house cleaned. We all know that he loves that trashed style of living, so why should he care? He doesn’t need me. There’s nothing that I can’t do for him that he can’t do for himself and if there is anything he can’t do for himself that I could do for him, it’s not anything he’d need to survive.

Andy’s not entirely sure what to believe, but the more I fill him in, I believe he believes what I do and he said so. I think he wishes, though, that he could believe otherwise, just like I sometimes wish I could. I’d hate to believe Tom but have him be lying in reality as he really is lying in reality. I pity those wives who refuse to believe their husbands are cheating on them when they really are. I’d hate to be that much of a sucker. I’m already enough of a sucker. I believed Tom when he said he wanted a kid, just like I believed Scott and my parents and so many others who promised to keep their word and be good to me.

I believe in that saying - what goes around comes around and I’d like to think that life or God would get him back for lying to me, but that won’t happen. He’s doing just what the master ordered. He and God are on the same side, so God isn’t gonna punish him or have some other source punish him.

I know it’s not me. Meaning, I know Tom’s not really all that attracted to me sexually, or else he’d probably have admitted the truth from the get-go so we could use protection so he could get off, but I know he doesn’t think I’m ugly. When I was with the people I was with in the past, neither of us wanted kids, I was usually fat and I knew less in bed than I know now, yet they had no problem getting off with me.

Tom says it’s impossible for words to “fall out” of the computer’s dictionary that I’ve added in.

Then how come they are?

Also, Tom tested and checked out my drawings on the computer with the backgrounds I whitened in and he said it looked better than he thought it’d look. So, I’m gonna go ahead and whiten more and who knows what we’ll try to sell and when. He said that he can’t see me making money by selling so many art disks as he can people requesting certain drawings from me if they like my style. He says people can be more personal with people that sell stuff by computers. It’s not like going to a bookstore where you can’t personally connect with the author like you can in this way.

“Better than I thought,” said Tom. That’s what he said about sex when we started sharing the same bedroom. He said it was better than he ever thought it could be. Yeah, better than he thought with no relief.

SUNDAY, MAY 12, 1996 Tom got the Melatonin today and a sketchbook for me. That was so nice of him. The sketchbook is about the same size as those of my journals that are wirebound that I typed up. It’ll fit on the shelves nicely with my journals. Journals 92 and 87 are so drastically different in size that it doesn’t really matter anyhow. I’ve already done one sketch so far; Minnie Mouse with a Dove flying by her.

Here’s what’s written on the bottle of Melatonin which contains 90 small 1 mg pills. Tablets: Natural Melatonin keeps the body in rhythm with the day and the seasons. The body naturally releases Melatonin in response to changes in light, with melatonin levels rising at night. It is in this way that melatonin helps promote sleep.

You take 1 an hour before bedtime, then another one may be taken right before you crash or during wakeful periods during the night. Oh, how I hope this works and that this is the answer to keeping me on day schedule! However, I’ve learned and know real damn well not to get my hopes up. Next Friday night is when I’ll probably take my first one cuz by then I should be back on days.

We’re also gonna give some to his parents cuz they’re having trouble sleeping at night.

He said the reason why he got it now, instead of waiting, was cuz he wants me to have whatever I need in my life to make me happy. You know I only partially believe that, of course, cuz if that were all true he wouldn’t be lying to me about the kid. He’d let us have one or let us go see someone.

I asked him if it was OK with the fact that he didn’t cum or if he was hurt or frustrated by it more than he let on. He says he’s OK with it cuz he knows it’s not permanent. Well, I believe him thoroughly when he says he’s OK with it as I’m pretty damn good at sniffing out a liar. But how can he be OK with it? How can anyone be OK with it? It takes someone really damn afraid of having a kid and really damn afraid to tell their wife that for anyone to be OK with it. I asked him if he’s sure enough about knowing it’s not permanent to bet our lives on it. He said he’d never bet anyone’s life on something, but he’d bet all his favorite material things on it. How can anyone say they want a kid for two years, but be OK with not cumming? How can anyone be happy that way even if they didn’t want a kid?

Yeah, he wants me to be happy, but only on his own terms and under his own conditions. He’d walk out in public naked, screw every guy in town and rob a bank to keep me from getting pregnant if he had to.

It’s almost like he’s testing me and playing this game with me and that as long as I don’t pass his little tests and figure him out, he’ll never change in any way. He says he can’t till we communicate better. What’s communicating got to do with a person enjoying an orgasm and having an orgasm to have the kid they say they want? The bulk of the population can’t communicate well, but they have no problem. He says we need to communicate better, but at the same time I can’t speak my mind, or else we can’t move on and communicate better. Well, I’m sorry if the truth hurts him and that he doesn’t want to hear it when we talk. I’m not gonna lie to him and no one should be forced to keep their opinions to themselves just cuz others don’t like them. I should be able to say what I’ve got to say as often as I’ve got to say it.

He’s so confusing and I can see the smirk on his face and how much he gets off of teasing me and playing with my head. He told me not to just think of pleasing only myself sexually, then in the next breath, he says to just take care of myself and not worry about him. I told him I always go into having sex with the fact in mind that I’ll cum and he’ll just get hard and that’s all I plan on. Then he said something about my going into it with his cumming in mind, then going into it thinking between those 2 things and I’m like - what? What the fuck does he mean? Then he says I don’t understand him. Well, if he’s just gonna lie and tease me and be such a joker, then that’s his problem. He needs to stop bullshitting me and joking around, get serious and tell me how he feels and what he wants in plain English. I told him to stop lying to me and stop playing with my head and either put his actions where his mouth is or admit he doesn’t want a kid. I’m sick of being lied to and mentally teased and tortured.

I also told him that the day he shows me he’s worthy of my getting better in bed, then I will. Meanwhile, I’m good enough and people have gotten off with me when I knew less than I do now and if he’s gonna be so easy, then no, I don’t need to think about his needs when all he wants is a hard-on.

I hope he realizes how lucky he is for me to still love him and for me to still be here putting up with his shit. Just about any other woman would’ve figured him out like I have and left. Andy too, said that most women would’ve left him before I even brought that up first.

I suggested we go to the library and look for books on communication and relationships and he said, “We’ll see.” You’d think he’d be a bit more eager if that’s the real problem here, but I feel I’ve told him what I want, but he’s just talk and no action.

He tells me so many things have happened and are happening that I’m too blind to see. Could’ve fooled me. I know what I’ve heard and I know what I’ve seen.

Now I know what they mean when they say there’s a fine line between love and hate. He loves me enough to take me through surgery, feed me and get me things I need as well as stuff I want such as journals and more, but he hates me so much that he’s willing to sacrifice his own sexual pleasure just to lie to me and tease me and make me miserable.

Maybe in the end, Tom will use my saying we’ll never have a kid cuz of the way he is as an excuse for why we really never did. Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if he blamed me for his own fears and his own reasons for not wanting a kid.

Tom’s the only one I ever heard of and met who gets hard but doesn’t cum and I’m the only one he’s ever met who has an irregular sleeping schedule. Is this not a coincidence? Is God trying to tell us something? Is there some hidden meaning in this that I haven’t figured out yet?

Before meeting Tom, God rubbed guys in my face constantly. They were everywhere in almost all aspects of my life. Then, when I met Tom, I figured God had done that as a sign telling me that he always wanted me with a guy. Well, there may not be a million screaming kids outside my windows, but every other commercial or TV show on TV is kids this and kids that. If he hasn’t been rubbing them in my face as he has been since 1992, then what’s the scoop? God certainly isn’t saying, “Hey, a kid is meant to be for you. Stop fighting it and trying to run away from it as you did with guys.” What is it, then, if anything at all?

If the Melatonin really works, is it a sign that I need to get on a schedule so I can go to college in the fall? If I solve my schedule problem, what will God replace it with? What will be the new weird, strange, unusual, abnormal thing that will replace it?

They say God helps those that help themselves, but I don’t think so. There’s no way that statement can be true. I’ve been trying to help myself, help Tom, help us, so why won’t he step in and help me where I can’t help myself after I’ve tried so hard? In fact, last night I got the overwhelming urge to pray to him for the first time in a while. I asked him why he won’t help me since I’ve been trying to help myself and to please show me an obvious sign as to whether or not Tom’s lying like I believe he is. Also, to show me an obvious sign as to whether or not he won’t allow me to have a kid as I believe he won’t. I asked him why he felt such a need to hurt me and torture me and have me faced with one bizarre issue after another that I can’t solve. Why can’t he love me the way he can love a non-remorseful murderer? I asked him to show me what’s meant to be and to help me deal with and achieve whatever’s meant to be and whatever path he really wants me on. I’ve looked and searched through my mind since praying to see if I see anything that may make any sense or answer any of my questions but can’t see anything. At least not yet, anyway, and I doubt I ever will.

Also, if good things really do come to those who wait, then I guess I must be blessed sooner or later with something absolutely wonderful, if not a kid.

I told Tom yesterday that he’s just like he is with the kid as he is with the signing. All this talk about how much he wants to learn it, but no action. He complains about the way I teach, then has me type up pages of common words saying he’s gonna film it so he can learn that way and his only excuse is that he’s busy. And he expects to make time for a kid? It’s a matter of priority and how much a person wants something that determines whether or not they make the time for it.

Yesterday when I went to get my email from AOL, there was a message from Rat49. It said: Were you just thinking that the rooms were all on fire? See ya. I wrote back saying that he must be a friend of Andy’s, Kim’s or Alex’s, but it turns out the message was from Tom. He said something about it being an original screen name of his.

Later…

First I’m gonna start off with some good news. It’s nice to have some good news, even though it’ll never be the kind of good news I’d really like to be able to tell.

I did an excellent drawing of a face and it shocked the shit out of me when I sat back and looked at it. She looked so real. She looked like she was really looking back at me and even Tom noticed how real she looked. I must admit I was proud of myself and hope to do more just like it, but won’t count on it. Yes, this is one of my presents from God to compensate me for never being allowed to have a kid.

The other good news is that I think I’m doing better at doing what’s right and what’s meant to be. I’m working really hard to forget about the kid, drop the subject and get on with my life. If I could wish for two things at this point, it’d be for the Melatonin to be able to help me help myself get on a schedule and for Tom to confess. Will God allow that, though? Who knows, and if something does ever help get me on a schedule that I can keep and if Tom ever does decide to confess, who knows how long that could take? If the Melatonin helps me, then there’ll be only one of us who’s a weirdo freak, but he’s not really, since he wants to be the way he is. I guess I’ll always feel that with the exception of what color lipstick I buy and what music I listen to and stuff like that, I’ll never have control over my own life and body. I must do what God and Tom want me to do. Tom would never stop me from dancing, but he’s expressed to me how he feels it’s degrading and that it’s a loser job and that he knows I’m not a loser, so that’s why he’d be disappointed to see me doing it. So, what does Jodi do? Always what her man wants. If the Melatonin helps, I’m gonna look into maybe working at a bookstore or a music store and really do a loser job. If I’ll ever really go to college, I don’t know. I really wish I could do some kind of work at home so I wouldn’t have to worry about transportation, but that’s just a fantasy.

Sometimes I need to cry. Tom went down on me before going to bed, then I went into the music room, turned on the music and cried. I managed to cry a little, but maybe it would’ve helped a little more if I could’ve cried more. I can’t just get the tears to come whenever I feel the need to release my emotions.

Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle and he knows it, so he won’t touch me. At least not with his dick anyhow. He mentioned the possibility of sleeping later tomorrow, to no doubt avoid my even suggesting it and he knows I’ll be asleep when he gets home.

Sometimes I just want to grab him and say, “Look. Ever since we’ve been married, I’ve always done what you wanted. Things have always been your way in and out of bed. If you really care about me and love me and want me to be happier, then let’s go to a doctor.”

Who do I think I’m kidding, though? If his own wife can’t get him to want a kid and to have a kid, no doctor can. Besides, if he did anything I wanted him to do or us to do that he doesn’t want to do, then he’ll just say what I’ve been saying about him and say that everything has to be my way. Guess it’s easier if he has his way. I don’t have a choice, anyway. He has the power and control needed to make sure things are always his way. I can’t fight him and win and get anything I really want, any more than I could fight God for what I really want and win.

SATURDAY, MAY 11, 1996 So much for saying I haven’t heard from Robin lately. She came around again saying not to worry about next door waking me up and that I won’t wake up wheezing and that I will be finding out I’m pregnant by September. Bull fucking shit! OK, so they didn’t wake me up and I didn’t wake up wheezing, but why does she have to bullshit me along with Tom? The last thing I need is a spirit lying to me. My husband’s enough.

When I called Larry to see if he got Ma’s card I made up, Dad was there. He says it’s cold there and things are just starting to bloom around there. Also, Philip moved to Florida and the house is up for sale again that we had on Birchwood Ave.

Tom’s friend Eileen’s daughter has a friend who’s really into sign language. She’s going to college to make a career out of it, which I didn’t know you could do. I thought what you had to do was take signing classes, then get other credentials in psychology and all kinds of other things that I didn’t want to bother with. Well, hopefully we can meet someday, as Tom hopes too, so we can sign together.

If for some reason the singing doesn’t work out or mount to anything, the signing is something to think about.

Now, let me try to get my mind to remember all that Tom and I talked about since the last time I wrote.

For the most part, nothing he says makes sense. He claims that we’ve been through so many changes constantly and that I can’t see it cuz all I see are big changes and not subtle ones. Well, if there have been any changes, they obviously aren’t all that great or important. Then he says that we’ve been through thousands of changes sexually. Yeah, right! This is what our sex life has really been about: First he couldn’t get it in there, but then he could. Then we managed to do a couple of other positions and that’s it. You call that thousands of changes? Who does he think he’s kidding?

Then he says he doesn’t want to control our sex life by making anything happen, but he doesn’t want to not allow changes to occur. Well, I haven’t stopped any changes from occurring, but he obviously has and obviously his not putting any effort into making changes hasn’t helped. Any doctor would say so too and tell him that if he really wants the pleasure of cumming and to have a kid he’s gonna have to work at it and do stuff to make it happen.

While I’ve come to realize how true it is that a kid would destroy us and how wrong it’d be for us, we all still want things here and there that aren’t good for us. Well, Tom was right when he said you can’t control or manipulate your thoughts, but maybe not totally. Maybe if a person works really hard at it, they can change their feelings and emotions. Some block out bad things in their lives, but I can’t block out my desire for a kid, so maybe what I need to do is change my thinking. If I keep reminding myself of how wrong it is for us, maybe that’ll help make the desire easier to deal with and then I won’t be so angry with Tom. No, I don’t want him to cum to make a kid, cuz it’s wrong, but I still want him to cum so I can feel like I’m not a sexual failure. Without birth control, I can’t have both of those, unless I truly am sterile, which I probably am, but maybe if I do what Robin suggested, Tom will continue to forget about cumming altogether without my having to feel like some sexual misfit from hell.

Robin said that anytime I feel like I’m gonna freak out from sadness or anger over the situation, to call on her and that she’ll help me get through it and make it easier for the both of us to deal with it. That’s nice, but why would I want to call on a liar?

I’m like a battery that runs for a few days but then needs to be recharged by venting my anger, frustration and sadness. If I do this with Tom, I end up feeling a bit better for a while, but it brings him down and turns him off. At the same time, it turns him on and he gets his jollies off it cuz my whining about his promising us a kid and bailing out on that promise is exactly what he wants to hear.

I want to find a way to not give God and Tom the reaction they crave and expect while finding a way for me to deal with and vent any of my feelings, beliefs and emotions. I quit trying to fight fate. There’s just no fucking way. You can’t fight God and win and I can’t fight Tom and win. Not as far as the kid goes anyway. He’s the one with the sperm and power to cum or not to cum.

The most confusing thing Tom said is cuz I don’t believe him and cuz I’m so sure that a kid’s not meant to be and other things, we’ll never be able to communicate better. He said something about how he can’t tell me certain things about him and that I don’t know a 10th of what he’s all about cuz I keep on going back to what I’m sure of and don’t believe during our conversations. I don’t get this. What does what I think or believe or say have to do with what he feels or believes and why should this stop him from telling me more things that are on his mind? Doesn’t he have a mind of his own? Why does he always have to use me as an excuse for why he can’t do or say things and blame me for it, yet say it’s not my fault? I’m not the one who said we’d have a kid, and then never did anything to achieve that. If I was physically stopping, blocking or doing whatever to prevent him from having a kid or from doing anything else, then yes, he can blame me. However, he’s made his own choice to be the way he is in and out of bed. The only things I’ve asked of him are to be neater and not leave stuff out so much and he’s improved dramatically on this.

Unless he’s that bad of a liar and unless he thinks I’m that stupid and naïve, I know that when he’s ready, he’ll admit that he never wanted a kid. I can’t say for sure how I’ll react, but I’m only human. I’m not gonna laugh about it and pretend I’m not hurt or angry over his fucking me out of something I wanted and he said he wanted. When people get married, they should tell the truth upfront as to whether or not they want kids and stick to it unless they have a genuine physical problem. Then, no later than 1 year after realizing that they’ve got a physical problem, they should go get help. Not wait 2 or 3 or 4 or more years. I asked Tom point-blank if he was gonna “fight” the doctors cuz he didn’t really want to ever go and cuz he did it to compromise with me and he said no. And what makes him think I can believe him? Anyone that can lie about wanting a kid could be lying about anything, as far as I’m concerned. He’s such a smooth con artist, but he doesn’t fool me. He’ll never let those doctors help him or change him and he’s gonna lie right to their fucking faces just like he has with me.

THURSDAY, MAY 9, 1996 Got a few things to update on, but first, in case I haven’t mentioned this, Robin hasn’t been around lately and that’s just fine with me.

Ma said she wanted a note telling her what I got for work, so I’ll be telling her and Tammy that I’m dancing Thursday – Friday just to get them off my case.

Tom said Mom was wrong in saying what she said and that he could understand why she said this, but since she hasn’t seen me in so long, she doesn’t know how much I’ve grown. So. What’s that got to do with it? I still will and need to get a job soon enough.

I’ve been coloring in white backgrounds in my drawings that were scanned in. As I mentioned before, we had trouble scanning some of them cuz they looked shitty. The background was too dark, so little by little I’ve been whiting the background out in the paint program. I did 4 of them so far. Tom says that this is a way to test if his program works and I guess that if it does we’re gonna launch that art disk of mine after all. This seems a bit hard to imagine since it just doesn’t seem meant to be. I don’t see it or feel it, but we’ll just wait and see.

Andy’s car broke down and this couple he knows is working on it, so I haven’t gone over there to finish his cat yet.

If Tom ever reads this, I don’t give a shit, but I’m not gonna go the rest of my life without being able to talk to my best friend about the hell he’s putting me through. Kim and Tammy are the only other ones that know about Tom and now Andy does and that’s all that’ll ever know cuz I don’t trust or know anyone else well enough to tell them and I certainly won’t ever discuss it with people like my parents. I explained to Andy that I was just too fucking embarrassed to tell my own best friend and he said I never had to be afraid to tell him anything and that he’s not his old self and that I’m his number one person and that I can discuss it every day if I need or want to. Finally, I have someone I can talk to much more often about it, but if he were the Springfield Andy, forget it.

I told Andy that while I realize more and more that a kid would ruin our marriage and that I couldn’t handle it and that I don’t know shit about kids and why I’d be a bad mother, the point of Tom’s lying has been killing me and it always will.

Tammy believes Tom, but you see, Tammy almost always sides with others and she really likes Tom. Having a brother-in-law who’s like a brother to her is very important to her. Andy’s not sure what to believe, but I think he believes what I believe, more than that he could really have a problem. Even he said he’s never heard of a case where a guy gets hard without a problem but doesn’t cum.

He went down on me earlier and then I did him by hand and he was harder than usual for longer than usual and he said I was doing so good and getting better and better and to just hang in there and give it time. Yeah, give it the rest of my life, he means, or at least till after my periods stop. Then he went to bed. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know he finished off what I started. He almost always prefers sex towards the end of his day. That way he’s more tired so it’s easier for him to hold back and then he can go to bed and finish the deal. Especially when I don’t go to bed when he does.

I told Andy that the 4 biggest reasons why he won’t tell me he doesn’t want a kid are cuz he doesn’t want to break my heart, which is already broken, he fears me leaving him, he fears me beating him up and he really loves to tease me about the subject.

I did tell Andy, though, two very important things. That we have been having sex more often and that other than this big lie of his, he’s a great person and we have lots of good times.

Andy said that if I ever divorced him, I could sue him for this and win. Yeah, I know all about it, but I don’t want to divorce him. And what would I sue him for? Even if he were rich, money can’t make up for his lies.

Then Andy goes on to say that God really does love me and that I should respect God and not be so angry with him. Fuck that shit! If God loves me at all, it’s very little. And how can I respect God and not be angry with him for denying me a child while he lets murderers have them? It isn’t just Tom that’s doing this. It’s God too. Andy also says that it may just not be the right time. Well, if it’s not the right time, then when will it be? I feel I’m as ready as I can be. Andy says he’s testing my faith. Well, hasn’t he done enough of that? Can’t he go test someone else’s faith for a change? It’s not as if God’s gonna die or be all heartbroken if I don’t have faith in him. Hasn’t he got enough other people who believe and have faith in him? If he wants any love and respect, then he can let me have a kid and stop getting millions and millions of assholes and teens pregnant. I know the bulk of the people are assholes, but must he let 9 out of every 10 murderers have kids? Is that really necessary and can that ever be fair and make sense? Andy said that after I’m dead, everything that happened to me and in this world will make sense. I’m sorry, but some things will never make sense. Like it could ever make sense if I went and killed every other human being in this world? Yeah, right!

Andy agreed with me that Tom’s gotta be relieving himself somehow. I told Andy that Tom says he gets relieved in wet dreams and that I’d said to him how a wet dream can get him off, but his wife can’t. Andy said he’d feel hurt by that, too.

Why did Tom want me so much and what did he see in me that he felt he couldn’t get from another woman that he couldn’t tell me upfront that he didn’t want a kid and wear rubbers or something so that he wouldn’t have to always cum by himself?

Andy also agrees that he doesn’t see how going for help can ruin a marriage. I told him why Tom wanted to wait until April. That’ll make it 3 years of this shit. He may as well have said let’s wait till our 10th anniversary. Isn’t 3 years more than enough? After 1 year should be enough. Anyway, whether we went to a doctor now or 5 years from now, it’s not gonna help. He’s not gonna let it help, but I think he knows he can’t fool those doctors. They’re gonna tell me what I already know about him.

How could there be any chance, like Tammy suggested, that he’s really going through hell cuz of the way he is? No one can act that well. He’s perfectly satisfied with the way he is and with the way things are.

Andy asked how he could be happy the way he is. Well, it takes someone very incredibly afraid of having a kid and telling his wife, that for him to be as happy as he is, and he is perfectly happy. Getting his own self off for the rest of his life is absolutely no problem for him. If he does feel any guilt, maybe it’s cuz he feels he deserves it for what he’s doing to me. Meaning, if he does feel the slightest twinge of guilt, perhaps he doesn’t mind living with it and perhaps he feels he deserves it and should live with it as a punishment for what he’s done to me. On the other hand, Tom has absolutely no guilt or remorse for his lying to me and I know it. His conscience is completely guilt-free. He feels he hasn’t done a damn thing wrong and that this lie is perfectly okay.

I’m trying to remember every little thing Andy and I talked about since we talked for quite a while.

That’s basically all I remember us talking about, but if I remember anything else worth mentioning, of course, I’ll write it in, just like if anything else worth mentioning comes along. I just mainly filled him in on the situation and he had questions to ask about it.

I really appreciate Andy letting me talk to him. He’s a good listener. He knows I don’t want or need his pity and that all I need for him to do is to listen and we know it’s not like he can wave a magic wand and fix the situation.

Tom lied about Kim, Phil and Alex’s visit, he lied about cumming in 1993, he lied about saying he can’t hold back from cumming, he lied about saying he cums without warning, so, he can lie about us having a kid.

I thought of another possibility. Maybe he does intend to fess up but wants to wait about 5 more years or so, figuring it’d be harder for me to leave him after so long. I could still beat his ass, though, but maybe he figures it’s worth it.

Over the last few days, I got Bob letters that Kim sent me. She wrote in comments, but they haven’t been all that funny. I’ve got to remember to call her one of these days soon.

I hope Larry got the Mother’s Day card I did up and that he signed it and sent it to Tammy.

I checked AOL to see if there were any messages from Tammy and there weren’t. It’ll probably take her some time since she’s got kids and is so busy herself.

I still hear from Alex here and there. He’s moving to some other apartment in Vermont and is still working, teaching sign language, and is single.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 8, 1996 Oh, I’m so fucking pissed off right now! I woke up to street noise at 10:00 cuz the fan was off. I thought it was just a little power failure and called APS to ask when the power would be back on. They said it was disconnected due to non-payment, so I called Tom at work who called them. Then he came home and called his parents who gave us $500 to turn it back on. We owed $200 but they wanted a deposit as well as the next two months’ worth. Tom had said that he just talked to them and he sent in a payment and they agreed to wait for the rest of it. But what did the asshole there do? They said they had no such policy when Tom called them today.

The reason why I’m so pissed off is cuz this is all my fault. It’s both of our faults, actually. It was obviously more important to him that I stay home so he could play with my head and make false promises to me about a kid, instead of telling me the truth so I could get on with my life and get out there and bring in a second income so we could avoid shit like this happening. I’m so pissed off at myself for not sticking with the dancing all along or doing something. I’m through listening to this man. He got his way with the kid and he’s not gonna get his way with trying to talk me out of dancing.

Now I’m gladder than ever that he did get his way with the kid and yes, God is truly protecting us and his not wanting a kid is a blessing. We couldn’t afford a kid whether I worked or not. We couldn’t afford daycare or a babysitter if we both worked and if I stayed home, I’m not gonna be the one to look at it and have to tell it how sorry I am that we can’t afford to feed it cuz we can’t afford for me to work cuz we can’t afford a sitter for it or daycare.

I talked to Tammy who still says Tom’s not lying to me and that he loves me and has a genuine problem and how hard it is for men to admit their fears or when they’re going through hell. I told her he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by his so-called problem cuz he doesn’t really have a problem and she was like, “How do you know? These things aren’t easy for guys to admit. My husband still won’t admit that he’s afraid to die.” She says she’s gonna do some investigating on her end cuz I told her I’ve never heard of a case like ours and I couldn’t find any literature on it, but I don’t give a fuck anymore! We are not going to have a kid. It isn’t meant to be. He doesn’t want it. I don’t want it without being rich and from now on I shall unselfishly turn my back on anything else I may ever want really bad cuz it’s not meant to be. Life doesn’t work that way for me. I’ve got to work till I check into college in September.

Then I called my mom, and this is bullshit but she says she can’t help us out cuz she’s not in season and that she and Dad are struggling to pay their bills. Yeah, right! Then she went on and on how I need to grow up, get a life, and get a job so I can help my husband and do my fair share to provide for us and that I have no right to just sit at home and be a loser.

She’s right in that everyone has to do jobs they don’t like and that even if I only brought in $20 a week, that’s $80 a month. True. Very true.

Thank God for Tom’s parents, though, and I told him to thank them for me and tell them that this was my fault.

Why did I have to waste all this time listening to Tom?! I knew from the get-go that he was lying about the kid, so why didn’t I just get on with my life and at least work? I hate myself for being such a sucker and letting myself be played for a fool. Why did I let my own self be set up to fall? I hate myself as much as I hate him. I let him bullshit me and I sat on my ass and did nothing while he did so. Oh, I hate myself!!! My mother was right when she said a long time ago that I never should’ve been born. All my existence has brought are people lying to me and me letting others down. Why do I even bother living when practically everyone I’ve ever known has fucked me over and I’ve been no good to anyone else? What have I ever done for anyone or contributed to this world? I let Tom lie to me. I let myself take it. No, I don’t want a divorce. I just want him to stop lying to me and I want myself to get a life and stop being a stupid waste product and a sucker.

It’s like, what the fuck was I thinking? That we’d be rich soon enough and that Tom would mean it when he says he wants a kid and would start cumming and that God would let my plumbing be OK and that he’d let me have a kid and that it wouldn’t ruin our marriage? Yeah, right! What planet was I from?

I listened to my parent’s lies, Jenny C’s, the people at Brattleboro and Valleyhead, Scott M and so many others who promised to be my friend and who promised never to lie to me or fuck me over. No more! No fucking more!!

I’m so pissed off at myself, Tom and this world that I wish someone who fucked me over was here in this room so I could beat the shit out of them and really vent some of this frustration. But like my mom said, once I get working, I’ll feel better about myself for standing on my own two feet and doing my share and for doing the right thing…getting real and doing the only thing I could ever do with my life.

TUESDAY, MAY 7, 1996 Yes, I hate God for lots of reasons and always will, but once again, I see how much he really is protecting Tom and I and our marriage. Andy was telling me an all too familiar story that I hear all the time. Like with Tom, Donna’s husband kept insisting he wanted a kid. The only difference was that he let her get pregnant. Sure enough, though, as soon as that baby was born, he didn’t want a thing to do with it and their marriage is really strained and the guy’s jealous of any attention Donna gives the kid. It makes me wonder and think yet again, perhaps it really, really is the best thing and the right thing to just want one here and there and I should be grateful that Tom’s a liar. Just like he is when he says he’s gonna wake me up for fun. He pulled that one on me a few nights ago, saying he was gonna wake me, but luckily he didn’t cuz I hate that. I usually have a hard enough time going to sleep, so when I go to sleep, I need to stay that way.

With each passing day, I see how much easier it is to just wonder what it would’ve been like to have a kid. What would she or he be like? Is it worth risking my life and marriage to go and make that all a reality, even if I could? I don’t think so. I’ve known so many people whose marriages were okay or great and bringing kids into it just totally ruined it.

Andy got his problems resolved with his coworkers, so that’s good.

He was also telling me about a funny dream that he had last night. We’ve both had similar dreams, but luckily I haven’t had one for quite a while. They’re usually depressing, but his was kind of funny. He fell asleep with the cat Beavis whom he and Michelle share and have joint custody of. Then, in his dream, he had two days off of work, so he decided to hitch a ride home, then get back in time for work. So, he hitched a ride and got there in 10 minutes and began walking up to his old house on Old Farm Rd. It was this time of year and it was spring there and everything was nice and green. Then, as he got closer to his house, it was winter and there was 2” of snow. Then when he got to the backyard of his house, looking for his cat, there was 2’ of snow. He tried to get in the back door with his cat Buddy when two other cats were trying to get in the back door with his cat. His brother Gary was there and said, “Hi, Andy. What a surprise!”

He told Gary that he wouldn’t be there too long and that he was just there on his days off and not to tell anyone he was there cuz he didn’t come to visit people. He just wanted to see his cat. Gary said that was no problem and he could stay as long as he wanted to. Then those other two cats started fighting with Buddy and he kicked one of them in the head and then the cats started biting Andy. Then Andy got confused cuz he felt his head being bitten and wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not cuz his cat Beavis play bites him a lot.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be late. Bummer. I really want to go swimming with him.

Anyway, that talk I had with Larry and Tammy was cool and we were teasing each other a lot. Larry said that his stone should be the biggest since he’s the oldest and I said that cuz I’m the youngest, mine can be smaller so it’s cheaper. Larry said I was really born in November, but they weren’t ready for me so they shoved me back up there till December.

When I wrote to Larry, I remembered to let him know that in the course of our talk with Tammy, I typed 10 letters and drank 5 cups of coffee.

Tom had a neat idea. He wants to find figurines of pigeons and mold others with the plaster of Paris, then have me paint them the different colors and patterns of all the birds. I might draw that first, though. He said it’d be a keepsake for when we move. Oh, there’s no hurry on that. We won’t move till well into the year 2000 with the way things are going and yes, I know. If we’d ever had that kid, who knows then if we’d ever get out of here.

Andy was saying how he saw what I meant about how close these houses are. He said that next door is practically right on top of us and the basketball hoop is right outside the window. True. If I were on our roof, I could easily jump across to theirs with no fear and without having to struggle to make a big leap. Next door’s only 5’ away.

MONDAY, MAY 6, 1996 I have lots of stuff to update on.

We went to his parents’ house yesterday and it was dead quiet there due to everyone hibernating indoors due to the heat. Tom helped fix their sink handles and the pachinko (spelling?) machine I was playing with.

We had a funny argument over Tom’s shirt color which was definitely gray. He kept insisting it was green, but even his mother agreed that it was surely gray.

Robin was right. She told me last Friday night, I believe, that next door would be quiet all weekend and they were. All I heard was that short chat they had on Saturday and the kid screaming for a couple of minutes on Sunday. There have been no music or ball games since the Sunday before last. That old white guy was there today, but it seemed like he was only there for a few minutes.

My mind was racing like hell last night and I tried to get myself to write while my thoughts were fresh in my mind, but I was too hyped up and a bit sad and angry. What else is new, huh?

I wasn’t joking when I said what I said at the beginning of this journal and yes, I know it’s the right thing and the best thing for me to never have a child, but the whole point of Tom’s lying still gets to me here and there. Not as much as it used to, but sometimes it does. You gotta take the good with the bad, though, and if your lover doesn’t hurt you physically, they hurt you emotionally. That’s just how it is. Still, I love him to death and we have so many good times. We’re still having sex more often, so that’s cool. At least I got that much and I haven’t felt sexually deprived for quite a while.

Later…

Yesterday I talked with both Larry and Tammy at once. We called Larry at work and he connected us. That was really cool and it was the first time the 3 of us talked since I was 19 in 1985 at Nana’s funeral.

We’re going to be doing something special for Mom for Mother’s Day and her birthday. Tammy’s having a ring made up with all of our birthstones. Larry’s is a garnet for January, Tammy’s is peridot for August and mine’s turquoise. It’s gonna cost $160 and we’ll split it 3 ways.

Also, I’ve drawn a simple, yet pretty floral border around a piece of plain white paper and signed it. Next, I’ll be sending it to Larry to sign and then he’ll send it to Tammy to sign and Dad will bring the ring and the paper we all signed down to her. Ma will love it and she’ll probably be way more emotional about us all signing the same paper as I was when I got Anna and Harry’s letter.

Dad’s leaving Florida tomorrow and in two days he’ll be in MA. Then he’ll be at Tammy’s on the 19th, then he’ll leave on the 21st and return to Florida on the 22nd.

Later…

Cool. I just saw a movie filmed in Phoenix and the neat thing about it is that I used to see movies as I was growing up with cactuses and palm trees in them and wonder if I’d ever see that in person. Now, it’s all so much more real and familiar to me since I live here. A few months ago we saw movie lights at the central library and I saw another movie filmed in Phoenix and there was a quick part at the library, so that must’ve been what it was all about.

Andy’s old roommate Diana has been having disputes at work. They weren’t friends after she moved out, then they were and now they aren’t. Andy says it’s over some stupid thing that has nothing to do with her. Yeah, I believe it. And the manager is good friends with Diana, so Andy says the manager will always take her side. Poor Andy. He’s like I used to be and like I’d probably still be today if I were working for as long as he has. He’s always got a problem with someone. In the past, he used to love conflict and to make trouble and he’s the first to admit that. Now, trouble comes to him no matter how much he tries to avoid it.

He left me a message last night at around this time saying something about quitting, but that he and she had a meeting with the manager and that he hoped to resolve it. I hope so too, cuz the last thing he needs is to be out of a job unless he can find something else that suits him right away.

Next door must’ve just gotten home. I love how they’re not there during the weekdays and oh how I hope they stay as good as they have been for the last 8 days. I hope that if they’ve got to freak out here and there, that’s it’s a rare occasion and not for too long at a time. I hope they don’t make up for how quiet they were last weekend during this next weekend.

SATURDAY, MAY 4, 1996 They came back next door last night quietly.

I hear them talking to each other now. They must’ve just gotten in.

Both Robin and Tom say they’ll be quiet this weekend, but I don’t know about that one. We’ll just have to see as the weekend progresses.

Tom’s doing work for Eileen’s computer and getting paid for it. He’ll be home around 4:00 and then we’ll go swimming.

It’s a scorcher out there now, so by then it should be more comfortable.

I don’t know if I mentioned the birds letting me take pictures while they were on my lap, but they did.

Now I hear them laughing next door. How can they stand this heat?

Tammy called yesterday telling me she won some kind of award from school but doesn’t know the details yet. She says she’ll call or leave a message when she finds out about it.

Also, and as always, Tammy’s involved in another legal battle. The substitute bus driver came barreling down the road real fast as she and her friend sat waiting for the kids. The kids got off the bus crying and Tammy put one foot on the step of the bus and asked, “What the hell are you doing?” and the bus driver said he didn’t know where the stops were.

Tammy told him that this was all the more reason to slow down, then the driver said, “Fuck you, lady,” and sped off slamming the door on her leg and bruising it.

I hope they’re not using their carport as a patio. It’d be cooler than the front or back, but then I would not have very much privacy, and fuck them if they hear me talking, singing or blasting music. I was here first.

Later…

I guess next door left. I don’t mind talking and laughing here and there cuz then I can be the nosy spy I am and eavesdrop. I never could make out a word they said earlier, though.

A couple of days ago we got regular stamps and 1¢ stamps by mail, so I sent off a round of postcards to the following people. My parents, Kim, Bob, Andy, Alex, Larry & Sand, Larry, Jennifer, Tammy, Bill, Lisa, Becky, Sarah and Tom, whose came today. At least I know that Andy checks his mail daily since he always walks right by his mailbox. He has the same kind of mailbox that I had at the NHA. On Monday I’ll mail cards off to Kim, Bob and my parents. Then Wednesday I’ll mail cards off to my parents, Kim, Bob, Andy and Alex, then there’ll be no more.

Later…

So far, they’ve been behaving really well next door. They left quietly after I heard them talking outside and they returned shortly after we went swimming quietly.

I told Tom last night he’d get $40 or $50 from working on Eileen’s and her husband’s computer. He said he felt he’d get $30. He really got $45.

We went for a 20-minute swim. It was chilly at first, but you get used to it as soon as you dunk yourself in. Of course, there were bees.

I got a quick letter today from Kim with a Bob letter. She said she wasn’t gonna bother sending it, except there was one funny line. A typical Bob screw-up. Instead of telling Kim how he is mesmerized by her, he said he was “messuremized” by her.

At 11:00, I’ll be watching and taping a couple of movies, but till then I’m gonna listen to music.

FRIDAY, MAY 3, 1996 I went for a quick swim yesterday and am going again soon.

There’s been no one next door since Sunday.

THURSDAY, MAY 2, 1996 Now that it’s getting hotter, the damn dogs two houses down are quieter, which is fine with me.

I’ve been pretty productive so far today. I exercised (hope I can stick to it!), I sorted labels for Tom, blew the patio, de-dutied it and did some singing. Tomorrow I’ll clean the bathroom, but for now I’m just gonna take it easy since I’ve been up 11 hours.

The birds still continue to come onto my lap.

The pool’s starting to warm up more, so I might go swimming either this afternoon or tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 1, 1996 I didn’t get to Andy’s last night due to my sleeping past the time when he was getting off work. I’ll get over there one of these days, though, to finish that cat.

Speaking of sleep, Tom and I noticed this new report that’s supposed to help people like me with screwy sleeping patterns. It’s supposed to be an all-natural herb called Melatonin. I can’t say too much about it, but Tom and I are gonna look into it. It’s been all over the news and he found tons of information about it on AOL.

I talked to my mother a few minutes ago, but Dad wasn’t there. I told her about the bird’s latest thing. I lay seed out on my lap and they eat off of my lap now. They have absolutely no ounce of fear towards me.

Later…

I’m making a TV dinner, but I’ll write till it’s done.

From the fan club, I got a disgusting black-and-white picture of Gloria.

I got a neat beading idea for a bracelet. Besides, I haven’t beaded in a while, so I think it’s time I did some playing around with all those different colored beads of mine.

Yesterday was a fun day. Tom didn’t work cuz it’s the end of the month when he goes in on Saturday. He and I hung out together doing this and that and went grocery shopping together, too.

Later…

Out of the 3 books I got from the book club, there was one I couldn’t get into. I’m reading one now that seems pretty good, then I’ll have one more. Today I’m mailing off a card where you buy 2 and get 1 free. There were boxes to pick out 6 books, but I doubt I’ll get them cuz I never paid the shipping and handling from the intro offer. Still, it’s worth a shot and I didn’t have to waste a stamp on the card.

[tisorridalamor]

Ok actually gonna flesh out a theoretical book 7 for FEH or at least just toss some ideas out there

Book 7 starts with everyone in relative peace, recovering from Embla’s attack. Veronica approaches Askr on a diplomacy visit and explains that she has been researching her country’s history while trying to restabilize it after so many generations of chaos under Embla. She thinks that the people killed by Embla may not be dead but instead their souls have been ‘closed off.’ Veronica asks Askr for help in uncovering the mysteries of their two countries, both to help her people but also providing a way to fix all the bad blood between their families and start anew. Askr trio agrees (of course) and everyone sets off to try and save everyone, including Zacharias.

Base Veronica is this book’s free unit and they travel to some hostile hidden realm or or there’s still pockets of Embla baddies they have to finish off or something for the combat portions. Idk that doesn’t matter, what matters is getting to see Veronica, Alphonse, and Sharena become closer while searching for their lost brother/friend.

There’s a few reasons why I like this idea:

Zach come back :)

We’d finally get a chapter where plot isn’t just We Are Fucking Under Attack. I like the idea of the protags actually having a goal of their own instead of just defending Askr / helping defend some girl’s country

People love Veronica so a free version of her would be so cool. Her base version has been around so long I think it’d be more interesting to give her out for free and save her Embla ascendant version for people to summon on

FEH has a real bad habit of not having anything interesting to do with characters and just killing them off. Would be fun to be bringing people back for once!

Lots of potential for cool Askr and Embla history lore. Would love if the real Lif and Thrassir (the ancestors I mean) showed up at some point. They’ve been hinted at since book 3 and it’d be neat to see them. Maybe even ancestors from Nifl, Muspel, etc. too

Thor and Loki could be the villains this time (idk I can’t think of any other big bands and I like the idea of this chapter being focused around previously introduced characters and ideas). Maybe Thor gets defeated at the end but Loki is still there to cause problems later, like Ragnarok which I assume is going to be the final chapter for FEH when IntSys decides to end it

Idk how many chapters FEH will have but this could be a chance to slow down a bit and build toward a larger overarching story. Some nice interactions between existing characters, maybe give Alphonse and Sharena ascendant versions to mark their growth over the last 7 years, stuff like that. Have Alphonse and Veronica bond over suddenly being rulers, have Sharena do literally anything, throw Henrietta in there, have the girls from prev chapters show up briefly. There’s lots that could be done in a more “mellow” chapter where the plot isn’t based around another big dumb war

I’d even like this idea condensed into a short paralog between books 6 and 7 if making a full chapter out of this is too much work. Would take away having a free Veronica but it’d still be an interesting way to potentially introduce ascendant Alphonse and Shareena on a banner alongside base Veronica and Zacharias!

Obviously I don’t think any of this would happen (mostly because every chapter is supposed to be stand alone :/ ) but it’s still fun to think about. I REALLY want a chapter where Al and Rena drive the plot forward rather than reacting to someone else and it’d be fun to see Askr and Embla take real steps toward being allies again. And Zach should be brought back, no more angst for the gang. They’ve been through enough.